Good times

Last two weeks have been super awesome two weeks in our house hold. Last few days kind of feel like a dream that I wish never ended. It happens when you are surrounded by people who love so so so very dearly. My sister visited me in Seattle and was joined by her husband shortly after. While I missed my nieces a lot, I was beyond ecstatic to have my sister with me! We did what sisters do together – we shopped, we ate, we hiked, we fought, we argued, we laughed, we roamed around aimlessly.

We then spent the last two weeks at my brother’s place in California. Siddharth loves vacations in which there is absolutely zero agenda. I personally need agenda on vacations. But that is more practical when it is just the two of us. Even then I have learnt to let go of my pro-agenda attitude lately, because that’s what having two babies can do to you. No agenda ever makes sense. You make agenda, kids break agenda. A simple task of leaving the house to go out to restaurant seems like a goliathic task that scares me away from a 100 feet radius. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is that I am beginning to like no agenda vacations and it makes sense when there are more than two adults making decisions.

So my dream vacation commenced when the trouble makers (my brother & his much better half, my sister and her dear hubs, and us) got together under one roof. We did everything that we would want to do on a vacation – eat, drink, play, relax, and more relax. What made it truly beautiful was taking one day at a time and deciding what to do depending on what we felt like on that day.

Ooh, and btw – kids enjoyed this vacation because they got so much time with Happy Mama and Masi (my sister), of walking in the parks, and of having aimless fun! And much to everyone’s surprise, my angelic daughter is not so angelic anymore. She pushes Rehan all the time. Now Rehan run in opposite direction the minute he sees Sammy approaching him. So I keep telling Sammy to not push because it gives Oouuii. But once Rehan has been pushed enough number of times, he bites. Eeks. While I try my level best to not interfere when the kids are fighting so they can resolve their own differences, I have to discourage the behavior of pushing and biting. Anyway, moral of the story is, my kids are growing up very fast. They are not in the anything-everything-goes-in-the-name-of-cute stage anymore. They are growing up!

Oh, well.

It was the kind of vacation my system badly needed. It involved barbecue, corn, sun, water, rain, hail, conversations, music, sitting on the beach, jet-skiing, kayaking, perfect weather, perfect breeze, being in water, just enough booze, good food and family. It was like heaven on earth. The best part was I cracked the code of my fear when it comes to jet-skiing. So here is the thing. I have always preferred sitting behind on a jetski because I have always been so scared of driving it. So this time, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to drive the jetski. I realized I was in control of how fast/slow I wanted to go and exactly when to speed up versus slow down. It was so much easier and so much more fun. I can’t wait for my next jetski experience now!

I am having withdrawal symptoms now and am missing being close to my family. So I will spend this time looking at some 1000+ pictures we took over the last two weeks.
 

Nine

What!?! How?! When? Really? It is no 25 but 9 is still a big number, you know. Just saying.

I should say upfront – I have no marriage advice for people out there. I rarely give advice. Well, maybe my family will disagree. Because they get a lot of unsolicited advice from me. But for the most part, I am rarely the one giving advice.

But I observe plenty. Different things are important for different people in a marriage – love, respect, commonality, strength, patience, loyalty, understanding, friendship, faith, confidence, independence, interdependence, humor, trust, freshness and many more such attributes. People value each of these traits differently and in different proportions. All these attributes make an appearance in what is important for us in our marriage too. But both of us don’t bring every single thing to the table. We kind of divide and conquer it all.

For example, patience has never been my forte. It never was, and how so ever much I try to inculcate it, it never will be. And that’s where Siddharth comes to my rescue because he has the patience of an elephant...if there is any such thing. I just assumed elephants must have plenty of patience. The slightest thing has the absolute potentially of irking me to the point of no return. For the most part, Siddharth is pretty unperturbed by things around him. He is a high energy and a very animated person – so it is easy to mistake that energy for impatience. But it takes a lot for him to lose his patience. No situation or person or behavior bothers him enough to act on an impulse or in an erratic way. In fact he has so much patience that it annoys me sometimes. I could be extremely mad and angry and upset but Siddharth manages to respond with so much calm and patience that I feel like he doesn’t get it. It’s almost like I expect him to be just as aggravated as I am. But he doesn’t get that way. His weakest point probably is his inability to withstand absolutely any sort of mess or dirt. Very literally. And that’s one area in which I have plenty of patience. So we zig-zag in our characteristics enough to balance each other and it all works out in the end.

Honestly, I can’t believe it’s been 9 years of marriage for us. Our wedding day feels like just yesterday. I like to believe that we have seen the worst of the times and the best are yet to come. But the underlying aspect that keeps us going through all our ups and downs is our friendship. We were best friends long before there was any chance of us getting together. Siddharth could answer a question I hadn’t asked yet and he could finish my unfinished sentences. It was kind of scary. But we knew each other very well. And somehow over all these years this is the one aspect of our marriage that requires least work. There are lots of other aspects that require a lot of work. But not the ‘friendship’ part. It comes very naturally to us. We don’t have to act consciously on it. We don’t have to remind ourselves or each other of it. It just happens. It stays. It grows. It brings us closer. It keeps the humor alive. And it makes us stronger. Go post-marital-friendship, I say!

It is just a bonus that my 9 years have this outcome so far :).



 

Sand, Sun, Water

I am normally not the one to exaggerate and overemphasize of the value of sun. But let’s face it – it does deserve a mention every now and then. Especially if you live in the Northwest. So here is my shout out to sun. And sand, And water. Our weekend involved a road trip to Long Beach, Wa. A few hours south of us. A car ride with two toddlers comes with its own ups and downs. It is all good as long as they are fed, have not pooped or peed in their diapers, are not sleepy or tired, are not bored out of their minds, are not too agitated, and on and on and on. You get the point. So we had our fair share of loud yelling and incessant crying and angry shouting and tireless singing.

But all was forgotten as soon as we reached the cutest little cottage I had ever seen. What made it even better was that I could see the sign “World’s Longest Beach” from that cottage. I am not sure if it is the world’s longest beach and honestly I don’t know if I quite care. But most of what I did care about was getting on that beach as soon as possible.

It was beautiful. The beach. The sun. The sand. The water. The seagulls. The waves. The rays. The lack of crowd. It was perfect. The fact that we could dip our feet in the ocean water and that the water was perfect temperature was just added bonus.

 

What took the cake was seeing how much Samaira loved to play with the sand. How much she loved the water. She was not scared of dipping her feet in the water and wanted to do more of it. She wanted to chase the seagulls until they scared her. She wanted to chase that dog running on the beach until it got too close to her. How much Rehan loved the wind blowing in his face. How he was not fazed by the wind causing him to be all snorty and sniffly. How he had a big bright smile on his face every time he saw us enjoying the beach. And how Sammy kept saying “I like beach.” Kind of awesome, you know.

So even if the road to sand, sun and water was paved with cranky toddlers, the end result of them loving the beach makes it all worth it! Here is to many more such trips!

Daddy, Go.

Some days are just are meant to last forever and ever in our minds. It could be something beautiful, or happy, or ugly, or sad, or massive, or teeny-little-tiny. It could be something that lasted a moment, or a few seconds, or a few minutes or more. The impact of an action, a thing, any circumstance, or a person is not always proportional to the intent or even what goes into making it happen. Obviously, this weird psychotic analysis of a simple phenomenon is the result of my not-so-simple mind working overtime, trying to find the meaning and reason behind every little detail of the day and the week and the month and the year.

The point is, something like this happened yesterday. A memory forever etched in my brain. I didn’t know what to feel about it. I was happy. But then I was sad. And then I was kind of depressed and sulking. Here is what happened. Night time routine is one of my favorite things as a parent…reading books, singing songs, singing rhymes, telling stories and watch my kids fall asleep. There is something very satisfying about that experience. Off late we started sleep training Samaira (and yes, she is all of/mere 2.5, depending on your parenting philosophy) to help me out when Siddharth is traveling for work. She isn’t fond of us leaving her room while she is still awake but she is kind of getting the hang of it. Siddharth is the one who typically puts her to bed. Sammy knows that when he is done reading all the books and singing all the songs and telling all the stories, it will be time for her Daddy to leave the room and she needs to close her eyes and go to sleep. She gets the drill. When Siddhu kisses her good night is the time when she will typically put her arms around him and say “no….hug”…translated as “don’t go yet…give me a hug.” I definitely belong to the new-age-parents category who find every little thing heart-melting and micro-analyze every little thing we/our kids do or feel or don’t do or don’t feel. So when I found out that she puts her arm around Siddharth every night in an attempt to stop him from leaving the room…my heart kind of broke a little. All sorts of maybes popped into my head and I started questioning what we were doing. Maybe we shouldn’t sleep train her. Maybe we should try this a few months down the line. But then we continued trying to get her to sleep on her own.

Yesterday when Siddharth kissed her good night and was about to leave the room…Sammy said “Daddy go. Teddy hug.” She didn’t cry at all when Siddharth left. She went to sleep right away. My first reaction when Siddhu told this to me was “yayyy….she is a completely independent sleeper now!” My immediate next reaction was “Oh no. She is so grown up now. She understands so much now. Did we do the right thing? Was it too soon? Should we have slept with her a little bit more? What was the hurry? There will come a dreadful-teenage-time when she wouldn’t want us in her room anyway. Why did we rush? She is so small. My little girl is so mature!” My internal rant went on and on. And then she woke up happy & chatty. Basically her usual self. That surely made me feel better.

There are so many times I am conflicted on the right thing to do as a parent. My heart tells me one thing. My head tells me another thing. Knowing that my kiddos can survive anything is probably the only thing that saves my day.

All said and done. Every sudden reminder that my kids are growing up hits me a little hard. That “Daddy, Go” is going to ring in my head for a very very long time!

Need a tight hug from my kiddo...who is independently sleeping in her room...

 

Let it go

I mean, why not? Right? Frozen has been a rage ever since it released and even though we haven’t seen the movie yet, it didn’t stop me from listening to the song over and over and over and yet over again. Sammy, Rehan and I have seen the video at least 150 times and heard the song on repeat at least 200 times.

Anyhow.

The point is that these three words are way more powerful than any of us can fathom. As I keep hearing these words over and over again, I can’t help but take them a level deeper. To really understand what they are trying to communicate. What these words really communicate is that letting it go is a synonym for setting oneself free. Of the past. Of things that may have gone wrong. Of things that didn’t really go your way. Letting go has nothing to do with forgiving someone or something else. What someone did or didn’t do is absolutely insignificant. The whole point of letting go is to liberate your own self. People (must) forgive other people and circumstances for their own peace of mind. People let go for their own self. The understanding of this deeper meaning of letting it go is powerful.

Can you imagine a head & heart devoid of any negativity, any regret, any grudges? Honestly, I can’t. But it sounds pretty darn remarkable.

To top it all, it looks like Samaira and Rehan have drawn a lot of inspiration from this song. Samaira wants to listen to it every day, at least once. Especially before going to sleep. My limited singing abilities make ‘Let it go’ sound like ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.’ But that’s neither here nor there. The point is that both my kids drop whatever it is that they are doing and give a 100% of their attention to this song when it starts playing. Rehan is typically smiling when listening to this song. And Sammy has a somewhat intense expression on her face to kind of match with the tempo of the song, you know.

Who knew Elsa was so full of wisdom :)! Here is to letting go. To freedom. To liberation. To the ultimate wrinkle-free happiness.

This.

How many reminders do we need to value, live and love life as is? In the best of its glory. With the worst of its fears. Inside this curvy loop of happy-anxious-angry-sad-wishful-envious-mad-satisfied. Life as is.

Here are some things that remind me to value, live and love life.

My family sleeping peacefully every single night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to make sure Sammy, Rehan and Siddhu are sleeping well.

Food on the table. Most of the times I take it for granted. But sometimes when I sit back, in that tiny fraction of second when all four of us are eating and neither of my kids are yelling or screaming or crying or throwing their food – for that tiny fraction of second, I check-out and remember to be thankful.

To be surrounded by the people I love. This. I am thankful for every single day. Every day. It is important for me. Siddharth. Samaira. Rehan. My family. My friends. Super-duper important.

Health. I value health even more when I am sick, or when someone I love or know is sick. I admire people who value their health and do something about it on a daily basis. I hope to get inspired by these people.

Park time. So thank for the sun that lets us be.

A vacation that doesn’t feel like a vacation. If you spend more time napping and eating than doing touristy stuff, does it still count as vacation? I think so. I kind of dig it.

A non-vacation that feels like a vacation. You know. A typical day. Morning routine. Work. Back. A little early. Relax. Chill. Do nothing. Go out for a walk. Push off all worries till the next day. I wish I could do this more.

A little circus that my family is. Honestly, it is not always possible to enjoy this circus, especially when it happens in front of an audience to witness. That’s when I feel the need to justify our choices and our approach. The circus when Samaira decides to sit in the middle of the road because she wants to be held. Or when Rehan starts yelling at the top of his voice because he saw his mumma! And do not even get me started on the dinner time drama. Should I let them eat their favorite snack instead? Should I force the first bite on them (absolutely positively detest this approach)? Should I do short order cooking? Should I make the same thing 5 times a week so I know they will eat something? Should I run after them while they are running around the house to feed them (I quite detest this approach as well)? Or should I let them go hungry until they learn to eat what is on the table? This circus is hard to enjoy when it is unfolding. But there is a part of me that is thankful for our perfect imperfections. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why. Sometimes it puzzles me why. But it reminds me of the normalcy of uncertainty and chaos. And I value that.

A birthday boy with his face smashed in the cake like we have never given him any food. While it sounds worrisome, I can’t help but laugh at the site. I treasure the laughter this brand new one year old brings to our lives.

A tiny toddler sister who loves her brother, a little too much for his own good right now. She runs toward him to give him a giant hug and pushes him over in the process. Then another circus ensues. Oh well!

Two strong headed, very stubborn toddlers running around in the house. While it makes some things very difficult today and will make most things extremely difficult for me once they grow up to be teenagers and possible rebels, I value this attitude.

Surrendering to what will and can be. I very strongly believe in committing a 100% to what you have to do and not worrying too much about what will become of it. Time and again I am reminded of how the only thing we can possibly have any control over is our own actions. And that too not always. So surrendering to the power of out-of-control dynamics is very liberating. It helps me enjoy life a little bit more.

All these things remind me to relish every little bit of life. I also realize the value of taking a step back to be a spectator of my own circus and laugh a little while at that. This is what helps me value, love and live.

This.

 

We, the parents

Our mind is a very funny organ. It plays tricks on us and molds and bends until the rest of our organs make peace with what is going on. Sometimes we convince ourselves of one thing and the next day of the exact opposite thing, with perfectly legitimate reasoning for either theory. On top of these typical mind games, parents have a mind of their own. Parents are fighters. People may or may not be born fighters, but as parents we all turn into fighters. We fight for our kids. We fight for us. We fight. It is something that our mind does at a very subconscious level. So much so that we do it with a rather natural flare and deem it to be the most natural and obvious behavior of our lives.

Normally, I am a realist. I see things as is. A little too much that way. I make conscious effort to not be in denial, mostly to prevent myself the heartbreak of coming back to reality by an external factor. I’d rather be brought to reality by my own self than something unexpected. So it was an atypical situation in our family when Siddharth was saying something, and I was in denial. For the last several months, Siddharth kept saying that Samaira’s apnea is getting worse. My instant and final reaction to his concern was absolute denial. I always dismissed him by saying that it isn’t apnea, it is congestion. That she is fine. I believed it too. Because I had convinced my mind and the rest of me that she didn’t have any issues. We finally did take her to a doctor and got her sleep study done. I was silently but surely and extremely nervous the day her results were going to arrive. I feared that the doctors would confirm her apnea and will recommend a surgery, which I absolutely did not want for Samaira. So I broke down as soon as the doctor confirmed my fear. In the doctor’s clinic. On our way out. In the parking lot. At work. Then back at home. I broke down multiple times and on multiple occasions. I hated that diagnosis. And over the next few days I did make peace with it and was ready for the surgery. I convinced myself that it will make life better for Sammy. That it is in her best interest. So it is the best thing to do. Then, Sammy spiked a fever two days before the surgery and that would have postponed her surgery. I broke down again thinking that her surgery won’t happen. Underneath all this, I couldn’t believe myself. It was almost unreal how I had gone from fearing her surgery to fearing her no-surgery within a week. My mind had totally convinced me of one way and then the other way. So darn crafty my mind is. Anyway, Sammy did recover from her illness and went through the surgery and was discharged the next day. The bottom line is, that Samaira did phenomenal. She was a trooper. She is acting like nothing happened and life is usual. We want to do what’s best for our kids. While we live in a non-ideal world, our definition of what is best for our kids also keeps changing.

Here is the thing I have realized over the past two or so years. We, as parents, do whatever it is that we have to do to make sure our babies are fine. So when parents fight for their kids’ well-being or survival, it is the most natural and pretty much the only thing parents can do. On somewhat of a side note, I do find it a little odd when people complement parents on being awesome & strong because they fight for their kid. I am normally the one to give benefit of doubt to people. I care more about the intent than about the impact. Normally. Not always. There are exceptions. But the point is that all parents are awesome & strong. Because we all go through the journey of fighting for our kids in our own little and big ways. It could mean fighting so the kids can keep up in school, or fighting with a bully at the park, or fighting with a stranger for an unjust comment, or fighting with the school system, or fighting with allergies, or fighting your child’s sadness, or fighting with an accident that injured your kid in big or small way, or fighting with a fever and cold and cough, or fighting with brain cancer, or fighting with so many other things that we have no control over. Really fighting with anything. We, the parents, fight all the time. We fight with various different things and people. We all fight for our kids. So we are all awesome, strong parents. Simple.

Here is another thing people fight for when they have a tiny tot absolutely and fully depending on them. Themselves. People fight for themselves. Or at least they should. If somebody asked me my biggest fear before I had Samaira, it was hands down losing people I love. What changed after I had my first baby? My biggest fear became losing people I love, including myself. I am somehow more aware of myself, my well-being, after being a mom. I want to lead a longer healthier life and lifestyle so I can be there to take care of my kids. I can’t imagine not being there for my babies when they need me. I fear losing myself.

So, when Heather Von St. James reached out to me regarding her story, I couldn’t help but realize the importance of our health. Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma shortly after giving birth to her first baby. Heather was given 15 months to live. She is the living proof that miracles happen. It has been a few years and she has lived to tell the tale. I knew nothing about mesothelioma so I started reading up her blog: http://www.mesothelioma.com/. Mesothelioma is caused due to asbestos exposure and I learnt how ridiculously and absolutely pervasive its usage it. It is something that a lot of us get exposed to every single day. My journey to learn more about this condition, its causes, and its consequences has just begun. But the mom gene in me is going to strive to be well. I know we don’t control a lot of it. But there has to be something that we can control, right? We don’t control the consequences. But we control our actions. It is never too late to learn. It is never too late to raise awareness.

It is a new gene, we, the parents acquire. To fight. So let us.

These are some people I fight for

 

My Baby, My Soul, My Whole

 

In the sounds of the whisper that you make at night
In the smile on your face that feels so right
In the gait of your crawl or your hurried walk
In the babbles of your sounds or just the way you talk
In the touch of your hand when you pretend to put cream
In the joy of your feet when you run to a stream
In the free spirit you bring to every moment
In the flare you bring to be a showman
In the innocence of your fights
In the simplicity of your delight
In the fire that lives in your voice
In the effortlessness of how you make a choice
In the honesty you bring to any relation
In the wonderment you show in any creation
In the willingness you show to forgive and move on
In the world you create where bygones are bygones

It is there that I want to live
It that what I want to learn
It is who I want to become

You, my sweet angel, my baby
You teach me every day with everything you do
You have changed my world, my view

You have given me a brand new soul
You have, in fact, made me whole.

Your Mom

Humble and Happy

Some weeks are testier than others. They demand more time. They demand more attention. They demand more commitment. They demand more sacrifice. They demand more compromise. They demand more trust. They demand more faith. If you can keep up though, there is a lingering feeling of joy and your heart does a little bit of a victory dance. But that is not all. I have realized that while the end of a testing period demands a victory dance, it is the tiny little moments of joy during this time that can be more satisfying than the end itself.

This past week was kind of sort of tricky for us. Siddharth was traveling for work. Rehan started to fall sick the day Siddhu left for work. And Sammy was in a full on happy mood…very typical. Most of my last week included not going to work, an unsuccessful attempt at keeping Rehan and Sammy away from each to minimize the exchange of germs, and spending a lot of time cuddling and hugging Rehan!

Here is what Rehan likes to do when he is not feeling well. He obviously likes to lay in bed. But here is the twist. He likes to giggle in spite of his sickness. He likes to roll on my tummy. He likes to fall back on his head. Although he very carefully plans his fall on to a pillow. He likes to communicate in his own “uhh…uhhh…..uhhhh” language. He likes to get up on his knees and throw himself on me. Of course it is up to me to dodge him so he doesn’t hurt himself. This was his journey to wellness. Go figure. So this is what I was doing for the two days that I didn’t go to work this past week. I am surely not complaining.

Now, as per our house rule book, it was Sammy’s turn to fall sick. What can I say? This is how we roll. I have to declare that Sammy is the most adorable when she is a little under the weather. She tends to give me hugs like I need those more than she does. She tends to pat my back like I need healing.  The fact is, I do need her hugs and healing touch more than she needs mine. So we cancelled any and all of our pre-made and un-made weekend plans and spent the entire time cuddling and relaxing and doing nothing.

Sammy did get sudden bursts of energy for a few hours every time Advil came to her rescue. Those were the pockets of the weekend that we spent playing. Any time I turned on my laptop this weekend, Sammy instructed me to ‘close it.´ So we stayed away from devices as much as possible.

Rehan spent most of his weekend destroying every single wire in the house by chewing on it. Alternately, he spent some time taking out all the toys from the shelves and throwing those in some deeply hidden and unknown places in our home. Sammy spent a part of her advil-energized time swaying to rhymes. Some of her time was also spent in her going round and round in circles to ring-a-ring o’ roses. Every so often she would come to me and say ‘hold hand…ring roses…come.’ So I joined her. Once. Twice. Thrice. After about 7 or 8 times of going in circles and falling on the ground and laughing out loud, I have to admit I started getting tired. So then it was Siddharth’s turn to go round and round.

We also spent some time this weekend staring out the window to admire the rain and the clouds and the uszh. Samaira looks out of the window and starts saying ‘and chair…..and trees…..and swing….and clouds….and house…” Yes, she starts her sentences with and. Rehan looks out of the window and in the process smashes his face into it and then he pretends like it doesn’t hurt because it was his idea after all. My favorite thing to do is to look outside the window and admire Mother Nature and then look inside the window to admire the pure sense on wonderment in my kiddos’ eyes. All four of us sat at the edge of the window staring outside, doing our favorite things. 

At some point during the weekend, Siddharth showed me this video that was SO much fun to watch. The title of the video is “This Man Proves You’re Never Too Old To Learn New Moves.” We were completely mesmerized and in awe of this man and his moves. Almost halfway into the video I wondered. I wondered that this man isn’t that old. I wondered that he is not a non-dancer to begin with. In fact he is a phenomenal dancer. I wondered that the lady to the right of the screen is also a phenomenal dancer. Oh, what a joy it is to watch these people dance. While Siddharth and I were busy watching this video – Samaira was staring at us wondering why we are so happy and smiley. Without fully understanding why, she started to smile and laugh with us. Every time she smiled though, she brought her face in front of mine so I could also see that she was smiling. And then she brought her face in front of Siddharth’s so he could see her smile and laugh. My funny girl.

What a fun week. What a great weekend.

The delight of cuddles, and cozies, and looking out of the window, and staring at the cloudy skies, and going in pointless circles, and laughing looking at each other, and lazing around, and doing pretty much nothing…..almost made up for the sick kids. Sickness is never fun. It makes me value health. It makes me value things I otherwise take for granted. It is humbling. But it is possible to steal micro-moments of happiness.

Be sure to do that.



Just before cold & cough took over

 

Our attitude is our luck

“You are lucky that you have always worked in places and things that you love and that you are so passionate about. Not everyone gets to have that, you know.” I said this to Siddharth the other day.

“You are right, but it is not all luck. I work toward loving what I do and it is my attitude that defines how I feel.”

Siddharth has not complained a single day about his work, not one day. He is extremely passionate about what he does. He is always upbeat when it comes to his work. He has never used the word “bored” or “not excited” for his job. I think it is pretty rare.

But when he said it is not all luck and his attitude as well, it very quickly made a lot of sense to me. I can see how my attitude can impact how I feel about my work, and anything for that matter. I can choose to have fun or choose to sulk. I can choose to enjoy my work or choose to be grumpy about things that are wrong. I can choose to fix what is wrong or I could complaint about everything that doesn’t work. I can see that a lot of what I feel is about my choices and my attitude. It is not all luck.

My Dad always says “love your work and you won’t have to work a single day in your life.” I have heard similar quotes many more times in my adult life. While love has never been a matter of choice for me, because it is driven by something so innate in me that no external force can ever drive who or what I love, my attitude does drive my enjoyment level at work and in life.

Just the other day I was talking to my mom about how I don’t like seeing certain people as they don’t make me happy. Although I don’t have a choice but to see them. While I went on complaining for almost 10 minutes, my mom was listening to me very patiently. Here is what she said to me after I was done rambling “Any time I felt negative and down in someone’s company I thought of myself. I thought of myself because other people, their thoughts, their actions, their attitudes are not my responsibility. But I am my responsibility. I have the right to happiness and I am responsible for doing what I can in my capacity to be happy. “ BOOM. Powerful. Mighty. Words.

While I am really really really lucky to be surrounded by some amazing friends, which by the way is super important to me because I live so far away from my family, it is not all luck. My friends is a choice I have made. My luck will take me only so far. For the rest, well, my attitude will once again come my rescue as it determines the choices I make! And that is why my attitude is my luck.


Keep Looking Forward

Keep Calm’isms

I am addicted to these. They attract my attention more than a sign in neon would. The reason I am so in love with Keep Calm’isms is because I really believe in the first two words – Keep Calm.

There are a lot of reasons to keep calm in life, and there are a lot of reasons in spite of which we need to keep calm. Here is my philosophy on keeping calm.

Keep calm and sleep tight. It really is a treasure.

Keep calm and love. That is what it is all about.
 

Keep calm and watch X-Men. Because it blows the mind.

Keep calm and choose Happy. Yes, CHOOSE it.

Keep calm and put your phone away, play with your kids. Without a doubt one of the more important things parents could do for their kids – be present.

Keep calm and write some. It will free you.

Keep calm and eat more. :)

Keep calm during fights. Even though it is easier said than done. I fight with very few people in my life - Siddharth, my mom, my sister and my brother. My Dad never does any wrong, ever. But when I fight I am NOT calm. I have a loooooooooong way to go.

Keep calm and bake some. Cake. Cupcakes. Brownies. Pizza. Anything.

Keep calm and eat French  Macarons. They are special. I have been craving me some macarons for two months now. If Sprungli can't come to me, then it is about time I make some!

Keep calm and climb a mountain. Summer’s here. There are few excuses.

Keep calm and close your eyes, open your mind, let yourself soar. Because you owe it to yourself.

Keep calm and love your family. That’s life.

Keep calm and rock it. Because you are awesome.

Keep calm and do something for the first time. Because that’s a high.

Keep calm and plan a trip. Because planning is half the fun.

Keep calm and learn to swim. Well, I am normally not calm during this one.

Keep calm and read a book. Even if it puts you to sleep.

Keep calm and run around the house with your kids for no good reason. Because there is a method in this madness.

Keep calm and stay fantastic. Of course. What else.

Keep calm and help someone. Even if we have a thousand of our needs in front of us.

Keep calm and say you care. Because it will make someone’s day.

Keep calm and dance with two left feet. Because it is liberating.

Keep calm and watch Ironman. Because you must.

Keep calm and let go. Well, I am not good at this one either.

Keep calm and stop the bullies. STOP.

Keep calm it is just a dog. Seriously.

Keep calm and hug on. Samaira taught us this.

Keep calm and follow Yoda. He is The Yoda.

Keep calm and sing a song. Even if it is in the shower.

Keep calm and accept people. Even if doesn’t seem natural.

Keep calm and smile on. Because it improves your blood pressure, eyesight, health in general. Whatever. Just smile even if there is no reason to.

Keep calm and enjoy a meal. Even if it is accompanied with toddler drama.

Keep calm and just be yourself. Yes. Just. Be. Yourself.

The point is, life will give you a lot of reasons to not be calm. But just be calm. Find your own reason to be calm and happy. If you don't have a reason then make one up. But just be calm and happy. Sometimes I want to cry and yell and be upset and run away. But those are the days I tell myself to calm down because it really is worth it. There are some things that push me over the edge and I find it hard to reach the calm. But for the most part, being a mom is teaching me to be a little calmer every day.

I was telling myself to be calm here...

Live the journey

I am not sure how old I was at that time, maybe 10 or 12 years old, but I very distinctly remember the reason I first wanted to grow my hair out. I wanted to know the feeling of having my braid fall over my shoulder. That’s it. That was the reason. That was my goal. Braid falling over my shoulder. The feeling. I know it is a weird goal and a totally random reason to grow my hair.  So at some point I decided to not cut my hair any longer and let it grow. I took great care of it and did everything that is supposed to improve hair growth. When my hair did grow enough to make a braid and fall over my shoulder, I forgot to “experience that feeling.” I forgot my goal even when I achieved it, but to this day I remember everything I did to achieve that goal.

Here is what happens to me when I am hungry. More often than not, I am so hungry that I don’t enjoy the process of cooking. My entire focus is on quickly putting some food in my belly. I have realized that when I am not over focused on my goal of eating, I do actually enjoy cooking a lot. I enjoy the process of getting ingredients together to make something yum. But that requires me to shift my focus from eating to cooking.

The point is – reaching a certain goal is typically a moment-in-time joy, which, while I hugely value, is drastically different from the joy of being on the journey itself. I do feel that most of my life I have vastly exaggerated the value of destination in my head. I sometimes tend to focus on the destination and success so much that it prevents me from enjoying the journey. The reality, however, is that I do remember instances during which I have enjoyed the journey just as much as, and maybe more than, reaching the goal itself. And those memories are priceless.

What makes this over-emphasis on the final destination worse is the extreme focus on success and leadership. We are hardwired to succeed. To lead. We are taught to value victory and leadership. We are all trying to be successful and be leaders. I often wonder why we don’t talk more about failing and following.

I am secretly (and openly) afraid of failing. I fear failing an interview, a game, a recipe, a relationship, anything. I think of failing as a big setback and something that I never ever want to face. The way I want to start thinking about failure is a step-in-the-way of my journey. Failure is never the end. Not for me. Not for anyone. I am not being extra brave by saying that failure is just a stepping stone and not the end of the world. Because everyone says it. Everyone wants to believe in it. But what I am doing by reminding myself right from the very beginning of ‘failure being a stepping stone,’ is allowing myself to be fearless, be brave, and truly enjoy the journey that I am on. If I consider failure to be just another step then I suddenly feel lighter. My intent is not to get rid of accountability by any means. It is just so I can get a fresh perspective on things that are truly important.

Over the last few years I have had the privilege to study and work among the brightest and the smartest. The one quality that everyone seems to be talking about is leadership. While leadership is a great quality to have and nurture, we nearly don’t talk enough about following. I am by no means trying to diss leaders and leadership. But I do think that the focus on being good leaders has to accompany with being able to follow right.  The reason I am over thinking this aspect of being is because I sometimes wonder about what I would like to instill in my little people. And I am rather convinced that I want them to value and be proud of their failures as much as their success because it indicates their devotion, determination and the strength to try. I want them to value following as much as, if not more than, leading because it indicates the discipline and the attitude that it takes to achieve something while being humble and mature. So yes. Succeed but value failures. Lead but value following.

Allowing myself the freedom to follow and fail has allowed me to enjoy my journey in a way that I haven’t before. This joy of my journey is absolutely priceless.

Well, so far so lovely.

Now let me contradict what I just said. While it is so enjoyable to go through the journey and not hype up the destination, life will bring you at the intersection of journey and destination where you might have to choose the latter. One such intersection for us has been sleep training our kids. It is hard as hell. We are having to do this out of compulsion because there are times when Siddharth has to travel and I am with both the kids. The hardest thing for me during those times is putting Samaira and Rehan to sleep when they are extremely sleepy and cranky but want to keep waking each other up. We question our decision to sleep train, and not sleep train every single day. We are totally confused about the right thing to do. And I sure wish I could get to the final result of sleep-training without having to go through the process of it! This is surely a time when I am not enjoying the journey as I will the destination. Such is the dilemma of being a parent.

So, for everything except for sleep training, I sure hope I live the journey. Destination is so overrated!

 

My happy dance

Sometimes we associate a specific moment, or a specific image, or a specific song with a very specific memory, even though that thing may have little or no resemblance to the memory itself. I hope I am making sense. Because it happens to me a lot.

This evening when all four of us sat in the car to go to a park, I looked in the back seat and saw Samaira looking back at me. In that very moment, I am not sure if it was her eyes or her lips, but something conveyed to me the innocence that lives inside her. That got me thinking how kids are genuinely very innocent at this age. Some kids are naughty and some are not. But people are genuine at this age. Things like biting, snatching, yelling, sneaking are prevalent amongst kids of all age and sizes. But presence of all these traits is not the absence of innocence. What kids feel is what they say or do. Even their slyness is surrounded by certain purity. So when I saw that look of innocence in Samaira’s eyes, I almost gasped and told Siddharth “Isn’t this age just perfection? Kids are so innocent. They don’t harbor negative feelings for anyone. What they have in their hearts is on their lips, or in their actions. I wish I could be a two year old again and be that way even now.” Siddharth responded rather quickly “But I am like that even now.” I couldn't help but tell him "That's because you never grew up." While he said what he did with a little bit of a grin and both of us chuckled and laughed it off, we both know what he said is absolutely true. Siddharth is one of the most genuine and authentic people I have ever met. He is honest, genuine, raw, authentic, and definitely not made-up. He loves his family and friends absolutely unconditionally. He does not love people any less even if they are not being kind (and sometimes that is a euphemism) to him. I don’t know how he does it because I know I cannot do it. Anyway. The point is, I wish I could get that innocence again but I am rather far removed that 2 year old self and not sure if I can ever be that way. And the bigger point is that the happiness and joy of a toddler’s mind can’t be anything but pure. I did a little bit of a happy dance in my heart as this realization hit me.

And now I will associate "me siting in the front seat and looking back at both the kiddos in the back seat" with this conversation about childhood innocence. Forever. Literally.

So while I don’t necessarily have the pure heart of a two year old, I do have the heart to appreciate that purity. And I do have the heart to soak it in.

Here are some other things that made me do a happy dance this week.

Early morning “good mornings” & hugs.

Homemade granola for a good hearty breakfast.

A sunny day.

A sunny day in the park.

Playing in the park under the sun.

A lot of swing time. A little bit of slide time. A little bit of see-saw.

A lot more sun.

And voila – this is how awesome gets to meet fantastic! Here’s to many more happy dances this summer!

 

March 21 2014: World Down Syndrome Day

Every year, the Twenty First day of the Third month celebrates Three copies of the Twenty First chromosome. Today is the day to spread awareness, knowledge, information, wonderment and the joys of trisomy 21. Every day is that day for me. I talk about down syndrome any day, any time, and not just on a specific day or month. We celebrate Samaira every single day. But today is a day that you can make a difference and share a story of someone you know. Today, it is not just the parents of the individuals with down syndrome spreading the word. Each one of us who knows someone with down syndrome gets to tell a story – to a friend, to a neighbor, to a coworker, to a family member, to a stranger, to a fellow-passenger on a bus or a train, to really – just about anyone. Tell a story of someone you know. Learn more about down syndrome. Be curious about it. Ask about it. Let us celebrate 47 chromosomes. Let us celebrate individuals with 47 chromosomes. Let us celebrate their potential, their loves, their passion, their life.

I sometimes think back to the time when Samaira was born. 17 December 2011. I don’t think about it as much now as I used to, but I still do. I don’t even remember how to describe the emotions I went through when we learnt that Samaira has down syndrome. I just remember it being a little surreal, yet very real. I remember being scared. I remember crying. I remember not knowing what to feel. I had to go through all those emotions to get to where I am today. Knowledge about the permanence of a change and a humble new beginning was colossal. This monumental change in our lives changed us as people, to some extent. It made us more open, more welcoming, more appreciative and less judgmental about differences. Samaira opened a whole new world for us that we would have otherwise not known. She opened a whole new world for our family and friends that they would have otherwise not known. It is pretty mighty, if I think about what she has done, and the difference she has made by just being. If it weren’t for Samaira, I am pretty sure I would have been a mom who compared my kids to other kids, who got nervous because my kid didn’t crawl or talk till a certain age, who got tangled in the timeliness of milestones. While there are legitimate concerns and worries that parents have, Samaira allowed me to be a mom that I don’t think I was going to be naturally. I am at a point where I can celebrate the world around me, and at the same time be content with the world within me. I don’t compare my kids. Not even to each other.

When I contrast the world and the worries I had imagined at Samaira’s birth with the reality of my present time – I wish I could go back and tell myself – don’t worry. Really. To not be afraid. Being a mom comes with the package of being afraid, being worried – of the unknown and what could be. But I wish I could go back and tell myself to not be any extra-worried or extra-afraid. If there is something like that anyway. The reality is, I am just as worried about Rehan as I am about Samaira. I am just as afraid for Rehan as I am for Samaira. And I cry just as much when he is hurt or in pain, as I do for Samaira. We do have some things in our lives that come with the 47 chromosome package – we have regular therapy visits, we see a cardiologist for Samaira’s ASD, we see an endocrinologist for Samaira’s thyroid, we see an audiologist to constantly monitor Samaira’s mild hearing loss – to name some. But these challenges seem no more or less than the challenges I have for Rehan. They are different challenges. But their gravity is the same. I realize that apart from my regular full time job, I have another full time job – that of being a mom who worries all the time! I wish I could go back in time to when Samaira was born and tell myself that while there are challenges that are specific to down syndrome, most of my everyday challenges will not be what I was thinking about. My every day revolves more around figuring out what to make for lunch/dinner so that Sammy and Rehan don’t throw any tantrums, chasing Samaira and Rehan around the house while they chase each other, doing grocery/shopping/chores, playing with my kids, dealing with cold/congestion/viruses/rashes/saline drops, making sure humidifiers are clean and functional, kids’ sleep routine, singing rhymes and songs for as long as possible, dropping off and picking up kids at the day care, stealing moments/minutes/hours just for me, taking time out for just Siddhu and me, and, the usual.

A while back I heard from some other moms that they also wake up in the middle of the night just to make sure their babies are breathing. I realized that while Samaira has narrow nasal passages and some degree of sleep apnea, I am not the only mother who worries about their kids’ breathing at night. It brought a degree of normalcy into my worries. What keeps me up these nights has nothing to do with down syndrome, but everything to do with Rehan’s diaper rash that just doesn’t seem to go away. So now I know better. Now I know that both my kids have “special needs”, because they both have needs that are so very specific to them. This is not to say that I don’t think or worry about the future. I have a tendency to think. To overthink. It is an old habit. And an addiction. So I think. I think about what Samaira will be when she is 3, 5, 6, 7, 10, 13, 16, and so on. I wonder about the kind of person she will be, the kind of challenges she will have, the kind of friends/boy-friends/girl-friends she will have, the kind of physical/emotional/intellectual capabilities she will have. I think about it all. I worry about it all. But I try to remind myself of the difference between the perception and the reality of my worries. My worries seem larger than life in my head. Larger than the cause of the worry itself. In reality, these worries are smeared with an ever so slight hint of hope and sanity. These worries tap into an unknown part of my mind and body that gives me the strength to find solutions and plough through any situation. This unknown tap of strength is not something I think about when I worry in a vacuum about this future that will be. And the problem with worry is that its immediate lack of purpose makes it so un-actionable that I worry even more, because all I can do is think. So any time I fast forward and worry about Samaira’s future, I try to push myself back to the present. To what is real. To my current issues, which aren’t what I had imagined 2 years ago.

When I look at Samaira, I see a toddler. A toddler who is extremely loving, pro-hugging, very moody, very very stubborn, sometimes crazy, sometimes lazy, very talkative, sometimes shy, oftentimes friendly, plenty caring, mess creator, surprisingly opinionated (I didn’t know someone could be so opinionated at the age of two!), most of the times attention seeking, a remarkable big sister, and, invariably amazing. When I look at Samaira I know that terrible-twos is not a myth, it is a fact of life. When I look at Samaira I know that nothing in this entire world is a better healer than her melt-in-your-arms hugs. When I look at Samaira I know that she will burst into giggles when I mention Humma Humma (hindi song from the film Bombay). When I look at Samaira I know that she is a person who can’t see anyone sad or crying. When I look at Samaira I know that her lens of life does not count chromosomes, it just looks at people as they are, and accepts them so unconditionally it is not even funny. This is as normal as it gets fellas.

I celebrate this day for my goofball. Happy world down syndrome day, folks!

 

 

Chronicles of our conversations = All sorts of random

Sometimes conversations make more sense in my head. But sometimes then need an out. I have a tendency to not forget things. Sometimes pretty much ever. So I think about our conversations for hours and hours. And they linger in my head. Since I invest so much of my mental energy thinking about some of these conversations, I figured I might as well document some of them so I remember my thought process. There is a whole lot of random in here. Most of these conversations don’t connect. They are just important to me. So here they are. All my randomness in one place.

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Me: I think we really need to detox
Siddhu: Detox?
Me: You know, phone/technology detox.
Siddhu: Now you are making up your own random rules. We don’t need that.
Me: But, we do. You know I wrote about it a few years back. And I still think about it. Now more than ever.  (This is when I showed Siddharth a blog I had written back in 2009 talking about a smartphone-detox)
Siddhu: (after reading my blog) Now you are just showing off :)!
Me: I totally am. But I am almost very serious when I say this. Seriously. We need to detox. We clearly have issues.
Siddhu: Ok. Let’s set some rules. How about we stay off of our favorite devices when we are around Samaira and Rehan.
Me: I think that’s a good start. Let’s begin with this.

Between the two of us, I am the one guilty of being on the laptop more than necessary, and Siddharth is the one guilty of being on his phone more than necessary. I cannot imagine watching TV without being on my laptop. Siddharth spends any free time he gets, even if it is just 5 minutes, playing games on phone. So the plan is for us to not be on our phone/laptops, especially when we are around our kids. At least not constantly. I have seen Samaira and Rehan be different when we are not on our respective devices. Samaira is a lot more interactive and loving and pro-hugging when we are off our devices. Rehan is a lot more smiley and bouncy when we are off our devices. No joke. I just hope we can keep each other honest about being away from our devices when we are with the kids, and hopefully when we are with anyone in general!

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Me: I really want us to eat dinner as a family. All of us together. Sitting on a table. Eating the same food. No different food for Sam and Rehan and us.
Siddhu: Sure I can bring Taco Bell every single night for all four us :).
Me: I am serious man. It is my dream. A serious dream.
Siddhu: You get serious dreams?
Me: Siddharth pleeeeassse. I am really really serious. (If I have ever told the following words to you, it means that I truly truly love you – “your name, pleeeeease”)
Siddhu: Just kidding. I am down with that. Let’s make it happen. I know how to make it happen!
Me: Really ?! How so?
Siddhu: I will get everything we need (a wooden chair, booster seat, etc.) to seat all four of us at the dining table. And then we will have your serious dream come true J.
Me: What about dinner ideas? I already feel plenty judged for what I feed our kids. But I don’t want to make kids meal a BIG deal either. I want them to eat what we eat. I want them to eat what the either one eats. I don’t want to make 3 different things – one for Sammy, one for Rehan, and one for us. And that’s not because I can’t make 3 different meals. But I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. I don’t care what people have to say about what we feed our kids and when we feed our kids. I want our family culture to be a certain way. That culture is love food, eat well, without making a BIG DEAL of kids’ meals. You know what I am saying? I hope I am not coming across as a bad mom when I say this.
Siddhu: No, you never sound like a bad mom. I agree with you.  

I don’t want to come across as if I don’t like nutrition or healthy food. I love food. That is almost my first love. I like to eat healthy, almost. I like to feed healthy. I try my best to eat and feed healthy. I succeed maybe 50% of the times. But at the same time I love leftovers. I don’t feel bad about feeding leftovers to my family. I love cakes. I love me some Maggi. Just as I love me some spinach and broccoli and brussel sprouts. But I don’t always inject every meal with vegetables and I don’t feel bad about that either. I am at peace with myself. I want my kids to be members of my family and not rulers of my family. I don’t know if any of this is making any sense. It made sense in my head.

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Me: Do you think we are overparenting?
Siddhu: Is that a real term? What does it mean?
Me: You know…just…if we are parenting a bit much. I don’t know how else to explain it. Like being too fixated with everything our kids do, everything out kids eat, everything our kids are, pretty much everything about them. Not letting our kids just be. You know ?!
Siddhu: …I don’t think we do…sometimes maybe..not too much though. Although I think overparenting is a relative term. According to some people changing anything in their lifestyle at all is overparenting. And according to others we are not doing enough with or for our kids.
Me: True. But I don’t like the idea of us overparenting. So if you ever see me do it, will you stop me? And I will stop you.
Siddhu: <widest grin on his face> :D

I really like my sister’s style of parenting. I want to be like her. I feel like she strikes the right balance of love, nurture, care, let-them-be, strict, scold, time-outs’ish, kids resolving their own differences versus her interfering. She is so cool and doesn’t run behind her kids to finish their lunch/dinner, knows when to revolve her day around kids meals/naps and when not to, lets her kids resolve most differences between themselves, doesn’t take sides when the kids fight, doesn’t even try to find out who is right and who is wrong and who is lying and who is not, and yet, she takes her kids for all the activities they love, she takes them to parks, she loves them so much and it shows, she showers them, she pampers them, and most importantly, she loves them the same! I don’t know how she does it. But I admire her for the way she is with both her kids. She is chilled out yet super-duper-caring. There’s a fine line and I don’t know how she does it.

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Me: You know I don’t like zoos.
Siddhu: Really? How come?
Me: Last time I went to a zoo, I re-remembered why I don’t like zoos. The lion, the tiger, the chimpanzee, the turtle, and every other animal we saw in that zoo seemed really unhappy. They all looked really sad. They were constantly pacing their cage. Maybe they were hungry. I don’t know. But seeing them in that limited space, all caged up, made me really sad.
Siddhu: But how will Samaira and Rehan see animals for real if not for a zoo? Don’t you think they need to go to zoos to put a face to the name?
Me: You are right. I don’t know how else our kids will know. I don’t have a solution. Unless it is going to a safari expedition.
Siddhu: Hmmm….so next time we decide to go to a zoo, I will make sure I take the kids and you can choose not to come along. I don’t want you to be sad.

I know I don’t have a solution for how our kids will see lions and tigers beyond just in books and videos. So I will go with this proposal for now. But the whole idea of zoo makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I have to visit the right kind of zoos to feel ok about it. But for now, I am convinced that I find zoos very depressing.

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So here is our all sorts of random. Stay happy folks!