Hush, little baby

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.

Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull fall over,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover

And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down,

You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Even before Samaira was born, this was a very special poem for Siddharth and me. Siddharth, famous for rarely/never showing his softer side to the rest of the world, teared up with this poem because it signifies the lengths to which he would go to make sure our baby is always happy. It signifies that “no matter what happens, I will never let you be unhappy and will fix any broken situation you might be in.”

When we learnt about Samaira’s diagnosis, Siddharth teared up at the thought that he won’t be able to fix this for her… and then we both cried. I say fix with mixed emotions and extreme caution, knowing very well that Samaira is really perfect the way she is and there is nothing to be fixed. She is the most amazing baby, for us at least. But I know that having 46 chromosomes instead of 47 would have made some things easier for her. But then again, I tell myself that 46 chromosomes wouldn’t have been a guarantee of a happy life anyway, so why do I have to fret about 47 chromosomes. I tell myself that at the end of the day, it isn’t the number of chromosomes that will determine the quality of life for Samaira. Her quality of life will be determined by her attitude, her gratitude, her honesty, her genuineness, the kind of person she is, the kind of opportunities she could get, the kind friends/relationships she will make, and the kind of parents we can be for her (I am hoping the good kind).

The most painful moments so far have been when she cries (either while getting her shots, or during her sleep study) and looks directly into our eyes and there is absolutely nothing we can do to ease her pain. There is an extreme sense of helplessness and a thought of “I know baby…it hurts….but it will be over before soon….I promise.” The happiest moments are when Samaira giggles and laughs and brings her hands together to cover her face while laughing, as if she can’t contain the joy of laughter within her and needs her hands as a cover to stop it from overflowing! I love my mornings with her.

I wish all sorts of nice things for Samaira. But most importantly I hope she is a nice human being. I hope she understands, with time and experiences, what some of the really important things in life are. I am slowly beginning to realize that the most important things in life have little to do with your income, your beauty, your status, your popularity, how others treat you, or even others’ perception of you. Having all of the above will not guarantee happiness. The most important things in life have more to do with truly being happy. I am talking a very special kind of happy here. You can have everything in the whole wide world, but if you are the kind of person who can run over someone else’s happiness & honor to get yours and prove your worth – then your happiness won’t last long. Maybe it will, but it won’t be worth it for sure. That’s not the kind of happiness I am talking about. I am talking about the kind of happiness you get when you can get happiness for yourself without hurting other people. I hope Samaira can be the second kind of happy, and can preserve the honor of others while honoring her. I personally find it very hard to respect people who are totally self-absorbed, so much so that they can’t see beyond themselves, and their own good, and their personal happiness. That is the reason why I think it is very important to honor oneself and others – all at the same time. It’s not as if I have never been a bad person – I have. But I regret being that person who hurt someone to get what I wanted, even if it was eons ago. And now I know it was so not worth it.

The interesting thing about important-things-in-life is that you only learn about it with experience. It is so hard to look beyond the flattery, the compliments, the bling and the luxury of the so-called-important-things-in-life, that it takes a lot to even begin to comprehend what this truly important stuff is all about. And unless you have experienced the worthlessness of the other stuff, you won’t be able to appreciate of the true worth of what is important. I am really not old enough to have experienced everything that is out there. But I am experienced enough to know what is really really important. I am not above it all. I still love my bling and shine and shopping and shoes and gossip and glitter, but with a very humbled soul, knowing now that beyond a point – it doesn’t matter.

I hope Samaira gets the strength of a 500-year-old-tree’s-trunk to stand up for herself & gets the heart of 500-blue-whales to honor & respect others’ feelings and heart while standing up for herself! And most importantly, I hope she smiles her way through this journey of life. I am far more of a realist than an idealist. I also think there is nothing wrong in being selfish. But this one - about taking care of oneself, albeit not a the cost of others - is an important one. So while we know we can’t fix everything for Samaira, we will be satisfied in knowing that she can handle it all, gracefully. 

Our PEPs group lead sent us this article about parenting and it is one of my favorite ones at that...resonates so so so so much with what I believe in.

I love these two people!

A little something to light up my day

Jacuzzi baths, sunglasses, fun hat, teddy bear conversations, and add to that Siddharth & Samaira - that's my recipe for a happy day. 

I am grateful for what life has given to me. I don't forget even for a second what it means to me. We are surrounded by friends and family who love us a lot. I have a husband who loves me way too much. He has a wife who understands him beyond his words and expressions, which may or may not always do justice to what he feels. I understand the effort and luck it takes, at everyone's end, to get to this level of understanding and comprehension between two people. And I applaud both of us for getting to that point (self applause could be my forte, sometimes :)). I understand that we could argue and fight every day without losing an ounce of love for each other. I understand that we will have good days and we will have bad days. But I understand that those are meant to be passing phases while we stand together, as a rock. I understand that it is not all happy all the time. But we have each others' back when it is not. I understand that others may or may not always understand us, but with effort and love, we understand each other. I truly, truly, truly understand that having Samaira with us makes all these things 1 trillion times more important. So here we are, with all of that and more...

All Things Out-of-Control

I am lucky to be working in an environment in which there are plenty of women in senior leadership position to look up to. I don’t look up to them to necessarily become them some day. That’s a non-goal. I look up to them because knowingly or unknowingly they inspire me - professionally and personally. I recently had a “post maternity-break catch up” conversation with one of these women I admire, KH, and her perspective felt…ummm…so refreshingly similar to my own. She talked about being a mom as a very humbling experience. That’s truly when you realize and appreciate the awesomeness of ‘things taking care of themselves’ because there is just so much that is not in your control. That wasn’t to say that you don’t do anything about anything and make this attitude your weakness. But that’s just to say that you really don’t control a lot of what happens around you – and how merely having that realization is a huge step for us. One moment you know exactly what you want in life and are sure about that one thing more than the air you breathe in. And the next moment your entire world could change. It kind of hurts when it happens to you for no real-doing of your own. But that’s exactly the point. Sometimes, it is ok to not fret about these out-of-control phenomena that have the power to impact your lives in the biggest way possible.

I keep on adding to the list of things one cannot control. You cannot control other people – their feelings, their actions, their reactions, their loyalty, their friendship – even though you may have given your heart, soul and life to them, and think that they will stand by you forever. What you can control, however, is your inner-self. And it is important to not lose yourself when dealing with such people. It is important to not lose faith in true-love, because it does exist somewhere around you, and it is just a matter of you running into it sooner or later. There are other experiences in life that could teach you the same. But motherhood took me to this realization faster than any other personal-experience. And when I see it happen again, I can spot it from far.

Being a mom has also made me aware of my heightened instinct to protect the people I love, the people that I care for – my family and my close friends. My oftentimes mild personality could turn into something totally intense & blunt if somebody hurts someone I love. That’s a big no-no in my world. I have seen myself turn into a fierce lioness to show that I care for my loved ones, more than myself. Only a handful of people fall into the category of “my loved ones” – but the ones that do know that I am there, and that I always will be there.

KH told me that when she looks at these 20 something year old women (not said in a negative way), she wants some of their “this is my plan, this is what I want, this is exactly how it will go” attitude. While she hasn’t given up on making plans, her life and its experiences have given her a perspective that allow her to look beyond the plans. And I admire that. While I have learnt the importance and realized the existence of all things out-of-control, I haven’t mastered the art of not fretting about all things out-of-control. I still fret. Hopefully I will learn to take a chill pill as I grow up.

Somebody got her ears pierced

Honestly, I wasn’t too sure how I felt about piercing my little one's ears at 5 months. Most people recommended even sooner (any time after 3 months). So I decided to give it a whirl. Yesterday, we took a trip to the most highly recommended Claire’s location for infant ear piercing in the Greater Seattle area. I was told to ask for the store manager to do this procedure (it felt like one for sure), and I did exactly that. Except, the store manager’s last day was on Friday as she is moving to the Netherlands! I kind of froze and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go ahead. I think I just wasn’t ready to make that decision either way. I asked Siddharth, mostly to get an affirmation for “it doesn’t matter at this point, let’s just go for it”. And that’s how he reacted.

So the assistant manager at the time helped us out, and she was wonderful. I think she read the look of shock and fear on my face and spent a good 15 minutes explaining everything to us, and answering all my silly and non-silly questions. Thanks, assistant manager, for being so understanding!

By the time the assistant manager was done explaining the procedure and answering my 1001 questions (most of which were repeats), Samaira was ready to eat. So it wasn’t the best time to keep her away from her food and poke holes in her ears. But she did good. She cried, but mostly before the actual ear piercing. As soon as she was done, I left Siddharth to finish the rest of the payment related formalities and got out of the store to soothe Samaira. All she needed was a little bouncy-bouncy motion and me singing “skidamarink dink dink skidamarink doo” and she was smiling again :).

I have to admit, she looks pretty darn hot in her brand new ear-studs!

Pure Unadulterated Moments

In the pre-Samaira era, I would have done anything for that extra 5 minute of sleep in the morning, and anything that would come in between me and my extra-5-minutes-of-sleep would be a temporary enemy. In my post-Samaira era, no matter what time I go to bed, I get up whenever Samaira gets up in the morning. I have no way to tell how long she has been awake for if she gets up before me. But if that happens, she starts breathing in a different way and she starts looking all around the room. She doesn’t typically cry or make loud noises to mark her grand-entry into the new day.

Those first 30-60 minutes of the day are my favorite moments every single day. That’s the time when she is happy, unaffected by anything that’s going on outside, active and smiling. While she is all these things the rest of the day as well, there is something else that is different about these few minutes. This is the time when I am fresh, mostly unaffected by thoughts outside of the four walls of our room, un-jaded by what’s to come, and mostly devoid of any fatigue or not-so-positive feelings that could sometimes creep into my day for various reasons. As it turns out, it is a relatively universal new-mom feeling. I was talking to some of the fellow moms from my PEPs group and they feel the same way about the morning time being an amazing time with their babies.

I really treasure and value these minutes like somebody values their pridest possession. These are my pure un-adulterated moments with Samaira that I keep very close to my heart.

Happy 5th Month Birthday, Sam!

Daddy made Ghirardelli dark chocolate cup cakes! So yummmm...I ate 2.5 pieces and could have eaten more!

The two loves of my life...are ready to eat each other. Somebody save them !

My little one is all grown up. 5 months just flew by. Before I know it - you will be 1 , then 5, then 18, then 25....Oh My God! I am kind of freaking out at the idea!

These are a few of my favorite things/people…

Unconditional love

Samaira

Orchids

Almond shaped eyes – I am getting there J

Trust

Siddharth

Moroccan Oil

White

The kind of nice person Siddharth is and how much he cares about people around him, but doesn’t show it one bit, and he doesn’t even care if others don’t know it for the rest of their lives

Leggings

My brother

Happiness

Samaira’s eyes

German chocolate cake or any other cake for that matter

Aloo ki sabzi (Potato vegetable)

Life

Siddharth’s friendship

Movies

My sister

Slight overcast

Parents

Fancy paper bags

Coffee

Yellow

My laptop

Haircuts at the right time

The way I say “PLEASE” (emphatically in a tone and intent that actually means exactly the opposite of please) – I agree it’s kind of weird how this is one of my favorite things

Dogs

Mosambi (Sweet lime)

Siddharth’s love for Samaira

Bourbon

Square photo frames with black border

P & A

Someone loving someone unconditionally

Ironman: Robert Downy Jr.

Honesty

Waves

Samaira’s smile

Sunflower

My extreme emotional intelligence, as my siblings point out

...and some more of unconditional love – it kinda rocks my world!

Strength, Optimism….from somewhere…from anywhere

When life starts throwing bananas at you - just be thankful that it’s not pancakes slathered in honey and maple syrup, because that will take a lot more strength and patience to clean up.

Meet and greet with the impossible to shock the hell out of it.  

When someone says something that makes you grab the nearest chair or close your ears and cry out loud – just smile. You never know what a smile could do.

When a gust of strong wind blows in your face - face it head on, spread your arms wide open, close your eyes shut, and just go with the flow. You will surprise the wind with how easily you could survive it!

I can’t always protect you from the heat of the situation, but I promise to try my best. If nothing, you will know that I am there for you.

At the end of the day, no matter how severe the storm is, just know that it will pass, but I will stay. Forever, with you. Because that’s what families do!

Love you babe – more than forever. And yes, there is such a thing as “forever” J. 

Happy Soul

Two of my most favorite people in this whole wide world are my two nieces, P & A. I could be going through the worst of times, and just a look at their faces can light up my face. I have always admired my sister for the kind of mom she is. She has two kids - with very different personalities, with very different attitudes, and with very different inclinations/aptitudes. But I have seen my sister love both her babies with the same amount of intensity without any bias. It probably is a mom thing, and all those moms with two or more kids could probably relate to it. I admire it in my sister anyway.

There are a few things I have learnt from my sister in the last few years of her being a mom. I have learnt to greet Samaira with a big, bright smile the very first thing in the morning. I noticed my sister do that every time she would wake her kids up in the morning. Ever since then I was determined to not-forget-to-do-the-same-thing. I used to look at my nieces and wonder how they were such happy souls. They are happy souls because that’s what my sister is. And that’s what she spreads. Happiness. Joy.

Not only that, but my sister is fun and funny too. She is always a good company (except when she decides to be a stubborn head. Which definitely happened more than 10 years ago, not sure about now), and that makes her a fun-mom.

Other than my mom, my sister is my role model mom. Love you sis!

Ironman vs. Nemo

Tonight was a date night for Siddharth and me and we spent it with some of our favorite people – Ironman, Hulk, Captain America, etc. You get the idea. The Avengers. Normally I am an Ironman fan, but Hulk kind of steals the show in this one.

For the majority of the movie, I kept wishing I could bring Samaira to this movie so we could enjoy it together. When will be the right time for me to bring her to such movies, I wonder. At two years? Or maybe at seven and half years. Either way, I wonder what her favorite character will be.

Instead of thinking of Dora & Nemo, I am thinking of Ironman & Hulk as a favorite comic book character for Samaira! What kind of a mom am I? Weird one, eh.

Well Samaira, you can think all you want for now, but we’ve got to share favorites when you grow up. I promise to like Nemo if you promise to like Ironman. 

 

From Me to You

There is so much to say and so much to share

All I need you to know is that I really do care

With every passing moment of our beautiful lives

You give me an infinite source of laughter and smiles

You are my bundle of awesomeness

You are my field of happiness

You lead me to joy

You lead me to love

I know you are a blessing for me from up above

Just a look at you is enough for me

To free me of absolutely any worry

While my heart keeps yearning

For more of you

Here’s to a lifetime of learning

For me and for you!

Taken by Shotbyheather

Travel and All

Siddharth and I love to travel. We both typically travel pretty light. That means meant that between the two of us we were good with just 1 cabin bag for a 3-4 day trip. It used to take us less than 30 minutes to pack for a weeklong trip (and not that much longer for a several-days trip).

Things have changed now. Beginning of this month we packed for a 3ish weeklong trip to Mexico and California. And boy oh boy, how times have changed. It took us over 4 hours to pack for this trip. Not because we were packing for all of those 4 hours. But because for the most part, both of us were sitting in front of the huge pile of things that needed to be packed, and in between staring at each other with a huge question mark on our faces.

At the end we packed 2 big suitcases, 1 cabin bag, 1 camera bag, 1 laptop bag, 1 diaper bag, 1 stroller, 1 car seat, 1 car seat base and a separate bag for breast milk!! Phewww!

It took us several minutes to decide how to get from the place where the airport shuttle dropped us to the Alaska check-in counter. I felt so dumb!

Oh well, we somehow managed to get from Seattle to Mexico, and then from Mexico to Sacramento. Little things that need planning once you have a baby. I have a new found respect for all the people who travel with infants and make it seem so effortless. So much so that I never stopped to think how they were possibly managing this juggling act. And I know that this is just the beginning...

Most importantly however, Samaira did phenomenally well with all the travel. Being a Seattle kid, the sunny weather in Mexico and California took her by surprise. But I think she has adjusted to it a little bit and is not squeamish at the very sight of sun anymore. She was an angel on the flight, at least for now. God only knows how long this phase will last. But I intend to take full pride in it for as long as it does.

In Cabo, Samaira ate by the infinity pool and totally rocked her swimming costume.

I am sure we have a lot to learn when it comes to travelling and packing with Samaira…but in the mean time I am enjoying the sitcom that it results in :).

Here and There

There are things in life we do not control.

We do not control where we will be when a tsunami hits somewhere, and washes away everything that comes in contact with it.

We do not control where we will be when an earthquake hits somewhere – shaking, rocking and destroying everything within its reach.

We do not control who will be driving ahead of or behind us on a freeway, and in what state.

We do not control the color of our eyes, the shape of our nose, the color of our skin, the length of our eyelashes, the texture of our hair, our height.

We do not control when and if Alzheimer’s will hit our body.  

We definitely do not control the number of chromosomes in each and every cell of our body.

Fortunately for us, there are things in life that we do control.

We control the kind of people we become.

We control the kind of friends we can be. We control the kind of friends we make.

We control the positivity we can bring along.

We control our temperament.

We control our ability to deal with various situations in life.

We control our intent.

We control our attitude.

Samaira had down syndrome from the second she was conceived. We did not know about it until a day and half after she born. The seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks that followed were a complete whirlwind journey for Siddharth and me. While our world was moving upside down, sideways and back, and in any which direction it could, the world outside was perfectly normal. I hadn’t looked outside the hospital window until a few days after Samaira’s diagnosis. And that’s when I realized – everything outside was unchanged. The cars were moving on the street just as always, people were walking up and down the streets just as always, an old guy was playing a piano in the hospital lobby just as always, the Christmas decorations were lit up everywhere just as always, it was a cloud covered day in Seattle just as always – nothing had changed. And here we were, with our lives, in which nothing seemed like it could ever go back to “same as always”, ever again.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been the same (“can’t find the word”) kind of mom if it weren’t for Samaira’s diagnosis. Maybe. Maybe not. I wonder if I would have been just as expressive in my emotions. Maybe. Maybe not. I wonder if I would have started to blog about it all. Maybe. Maybe not. Writing about it all is cathartic for me in some ways. There is something to be said about articulating what is going inside your head, so it doesn’t stay inside there in a disruptive manner. I did not decide to write about it to prove a point. There was nothing to prove. I did not do it to increase people’s awareness about down symdrome. I am not at the point where I can be a positive influencer in the society regarding down syndrome. I am still in the process of fully understanding it and making my peace with the diagnosis. I did it because it helps me offload some of my emotions, at least temporarily.

I can’t say it enough, but the only one that keeps me focused through it all is Samaira. She is pretty mighty that way!

Down syndrome is characterized by certain conditions, features and abilities. Every time I see a (new or old) feature in Samaira that reminds me of down syndrome, it takes me a few steps back. That’s not true with Siddharth. He is further ahead in his journey than I am. That said we both have our joys and concerns. One of the things that I was (and am) most worried about was Samaira’s speech. Somehow that communication piece seemed really important to me. I have seen a lot of videos to prove the speech abilities of an individual with down syndrome. And that helps.

But I have realized that irrespective of that, there is so much - just so much - that Samaira communicates with me even without saying a single syllable. Here face – eyes, eyebrows, the shape of her mouth – says so many things to me. I have seen a lot of love in her eyes. I have seen frustration and anger too. She says a lot with her un-deterred gaze, and with the flutter of her eyelashes, and with her impossible frustration, and with her pursed lips extended in a downward fashion, and with that smile on her face, and with her raised eyebrows, and with her rolling eyes in the middle of her closing her eyelids, and...

She says so much without saying anything. She says,

Mom, I love you.

Mom, why can’t you understand what I want?

Mom, enough talking, I need to sleep.

Mom, play with me.

Mom, come talk to me.

Mom, I am not talking to you.

Mom, I am starving and need some food. Right now!

Mom, you are a nut job and nothing you say makes sense J.

Mom, I am so tired.

Mom, can’t you see I am sobbing.

Mom, I am up to something but that’s for me to know and you to find out.

Mom, I need to be alone and not be held right now.

Mom, I want to be held.

Mom, I need you.

How could I ever question her ability to communicate with me?

I can’t help but say, I am really proud of Samaira. I hope she grows up to be a very, very strong individual and a nice person.  

You are magic, Samaira.

Sometimes you look at me with piercing eyes. As if you completely ignore my eyes and look right into my soul. It is kind of amazing and intimidating, all at the same time. It is as if you are looking at me in wonderment, but with no expectations. There is an indefinable purity to it. There is inescapable innocence, and how I wish it could forever be preserved in you. That I know fades away somewhat with time. It does not disappear always, because people always fall on an innocence-spectrum. 


I hope that your oftentimes-mischievous face retains its spark. I hope you can always be true to who you are, and be really proud of it.


For the first time in my life, I think I understand what the word unconditional means. And for that, I thank you!

Just felt like picture extravaganza!