Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a looking glass
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a billy goat
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a cart and bull
And if that cart and bull fall over,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover
And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a horse and cart
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town
Even before Samaira was born, this was a very special poem for Siddharth and me. Siddharth, famous for rarely/never showing his softer side to the rest of the world, teared up with this poem because it signifies the lengths to which he would go to make sure our baby is always happy. It signifies that “no matter what happens, I will never let you be unhappy and will fix any broken situation you might be in.”
When we learnt about Samaira’s diagnosis, Siddharth teared up at the thought that he won’t be able to fix this for her… and then we both cried. I say fix with mixed emotions and extreme caution, knowing very well that Samaira is really perfect the way she is and there is nothing to be fixed. She is the most amazing baby, for us at least. But I know that having 46 chromosomes instead of 47 would have made some things easier for her. But then again, I tell myself that 46 chromosomes wouldn’t have been a guarantee of a happy life anyway, so why do I have to fret about 47 chromosomes. I tell myself that at the end of the day, it isn’t the number of chromosomes that will determine the quality of life for Samaira. Her quality of life will be determined by her attitude, her gratitude, her honesty, her genuineness, the kind of person she is, the kind of opportunities she could get, the kind friends/relationships she will make, and the kind of parents we can be for her (I am hoping the good kind).
The most painful moments so far have been when she cries (either while getting her shots, or during her sleep study) and looks directly into our eyes and there is absolutely nothing we can do to ease her pain. There is an extreme sense of helplessness and a thought of “I know baby…it hurts….but it will be over before soon….I promise.” The happiest moments are when Samaira giggles and laughs and brings her hands together to cover her face while laughing, as if she can’t contain the joy of laughter within her and needs her hands as a cover to stop it from overflowing! I love my mornings with her.
I wish all sorts of nice things for Samaira. But most importantly I hope she is a nice human being. I hope she understands, with time and experiences, what some of the really important things in life are. I am slowly beginning to realize that the most important things in life have little to do with your income, your beauty, your status, your popularity, how others treat you, or even others’ perception of you. Having all of the above will not guarantee happiness. The most important things in life have more to do with truly being happy. I am talking a very special kind of happy here. You can have everything in the whole wide world, but if you are the kind of person who can run over someone else’s happiness & honor to get yours and prove your worth – then your happiness won’t last long. Maybe it will, but it won’t be worth it for sure. That’s not the kind of happiness I am talking about. I am talking about the kind of happiness you get when you can get happiness for yourself without hurting other people. I hope Samaira can be the second kind of happy, and can preserve the honor of others while honoring her. I personally find it very hard to respect people who are totally self-absorbed, so much so that they can’t see beyond themselves, and their own good, and their personal happiness. That is the reason why I think it is very important to honor oneself and others – all at the same time. It’s not as if I have never been a bad person – I have. But I regret being that person who hurt someone to get what I wanted, even if it was eons ago. And now I know it was so not worth it.
The interesting thing about important-things-in-life is that you only learn about it with experience. It is so hard to look beyond the flattery, the compliments, the bling and the luxury of the so-called-important-things-in-life, that it takes a lot to even begin to comprehend what this truly important stuff is all about. And unless you have experienced the worthlessness of the other stuff, you won’t be able to appreciate of the true worth of what is important. I am really not old enough to have experienced everything that is out there. But I am experienced enough to know what is really really important. I am not above it all. I still love my bling and shine and shopping and shoes and gossip and glitter, but with a very humbled soul, knowing now that beyond a point – it doesn’t matter.
I hope Samaira gets the strength of a 500-year-old-tree’s-trunk to stand up for herself & gets the heart of 500-blue-whales to honor & respect others’ feelings and heart while standing up for herself! And most importantly, I hope she smiles her way through this journey of life. I am far more of a realist than an idealist. I also think there is nothing wrong in being selfish. But this one - about taking care of oneself, albeit not a the cost of others - is an important one. So while we know we can’t fix everything for Samaira, we will be satisfied in knowing that she can handle it all, gracefully.
Our PEPs group lead sent us this article about parenting and it is one of my favorite ones at that...resonates so so so so much with what I believe in.