“So I was thinking something”, I told Siddharth the other day.
“Again?”, Siddharth said in his typical humor.
Ignoring his response and carrying on with my serious conversation, “When I think about a new year beginning, I always think about resolutions and goals. And I have a fundamental problem with that.”
By this time I typically don’t wait for Siddharth to respond and just get into a monologue. “Every new year resolution typically means something I want to change about myself. How do I then differentiate between ‘wanting to change something about myself’ and ‘wanting to genuinely improve myself as a person’?”
So here is my dilemma. Whatever happened to ‘you are perfect the way you are’, ‘you don’t need to change one bit’, and so on. And how do I contrast it with constantly trying to be a better person, a better human, a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister and a better friend. Like most people, I definitely believe in the latter. I am going to try my best for Samaira and Rehan to be confident and self-sufficient people. People who feel good about themselves, who they are as individuals, and yet, have the willingness and the strength to improve on their shortcomings. In theory, I understand the principal of staying true to your core. In reality, however, I don’t know if that is always the case if I am trying to be a better person. Like one of my very core attributes is being blunt and rude with people. Some people. Not all. In very specific circumstances. For this particular attribute, it is ok for someone to tell me that I am being unnecessarily rude and I understand the need to improve there. Does this mean that changing my core is a bad thing? Absolutely not. In fact I thank the person who can be honest enough to give me advice on how to be a better person. But at the same time I want to be someone who is not filled with self-doubts. The problem is, how do I know to strike that balance?
I feel like being a mom, every single dilemma becomes twice as big because I worry for myself and my family & kids! I really, really, hope Samaira and Rehan are satisfied with the people they are, and yet have the willingness to be better people every day. Whatever that means. While right now I am somewhat confused, I am hoping when the time comes and I have to explain this to my babies, I can find the right words and the right message.
I keep thinking about the scenario a few years from now when my kids will go to school and will have other little people as their peers. Being day care babies, they are already at that stage, somewhat. But maybe when they are slightly older and are increasingly becoming more and more aware of their surroundings and themselves. I keep worrying about the time when some other kids might pick on them for walking, talking, looking, eating, etc. a certain way that is different. I am hoping that my kids can come home, feel sad about what happened in school that day, but then have the ability to bounce back and say, “hey, I am perfect the way I am. If they can’t handle it, it’s their loss.” You know. Something like that. And yet they know to be a better person, happy person, with every passing day.
And at this point I know I am just rambling.
All I want to say is that I haven’t really made any resolutions this year. I am going to try to be better and not necessarily be more. Not sure if that makes any sense. But the plan is to embrace the whole me – with all the quirks and all the wows.
So here is to a quirky & smashing 2014!