"I am not as bad as I look," said Failure

This is like déjà vu. Like it is happening all over again. Like I have talked about it before. Multiple times, maybe. But that didn’t stop me from writing about it yet again. It is that important.

I think destiny does us a major solid each time we fail. Success makes us happy. It makes us efficient. It makes the whole world go around. So, by no means do I want to take away from the idea of success. I love success. I love to succeed. It hurts to fail. It makes me wish away failure. But here is the point. When does our real growth occur? Not quite literally. Not the physical growth. But emotion, intellectual growth. The kind of growth in which our bodily-humanity-cells grow. That growth occurs when circumstances are not pretty. When they are not picture perfect. When the outcomes are not what we expect. When we struggle. When we fail, or when we have the perception of failure. So, while success grows the world, failure grows people. I have to remind myself to greet failure and disappointment with as much dignity as I treat success. This message hits harder every time I realize how little we control in lives. Our corporate world and type A personalities will have us believe that we run the show and control the world. But, no. Oh, no. Could we be more wrong? What we can have a direct control over is our own self, our own actions, and our own thoughts. Sometimes, not even. The maximum we have over everything else is some level of probable influence. Definitely not control. This is no cop-out. This is to say that we need to draw a map of control and of influence. Neither will predict a desired outcome. But it will help us manage our efforts and therefore our expectations.

While I am trying to write all of this, a little voice in my head is going, “T – stop being all preachy and lessony. This world is full of experts and gurus. It does not need yet another 30-something, mother of two, sort-of-engineer, sort-of-business-girl giving advice on how to live life and figure out the important stuff in life." You will be amazed at the promptness with which I am able to shun that little voice in my head and get on with my life-lessony-rant. Because some things are just that important. So I lose my inhibitions, keep calm, and preach on.

So, people. Listen to me. No, I am totally kidding. Not that preachy. But seriously. Just joking.
The point is that I am trying to embrace failures and disappointments with the respect they deserve. To the point that I am still able to lament, stop lamenting, stand up and move on. I have a very, very , long way to go. But I am up for this challenge. Looking for the brighter side. The sliver-lining. The sunny-side up. Or what have you. Words can so often be our biggest enemy, but they can be powerful as well. Just writing these words and articulating these sentences can lift my spirits.

To top it all, Sammy & Rehan are there to teach me and help me course correct every time I get off the wagon. Every time I see them fall off the stairs, cry, and get back up to climb the same stairs again, I make a mental note ‘Did you just see that? What failure? What disappointment?” Remember it. For future reference.

 

A failure is only a failure if you let it beat you down. Or else, it could be your BFF.

And every failure in life can be overcome with some ice-cream anyway

 

My Positivity

 

My coworker mentioned this quote the other day, “Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.” Whoa. Oh hey quote, where were you all these years? Thanks for entering my life with a bang. 

Rewards

We are wired to appreciate rewards. To need rewards. To give rewards. We are inherently motivated by rewards. We pretty much do most things for rewards. I think that no act, including the kindest of the acts, is ever self-less and is a form of self-reward. We tend to slow down in the absence of rewards. How many of us can go on unfazed in the absence of rewards? And for how long?

It is absolutely ridiculous the number of times I say good job to Sammy and Rehan at the tiniest of the things. I will not start calling those things out to avoid further detailed embarrassment. But I like the approach that their teachers at day care take. They don’t say good job to kids for performing the most basic of the functions. Functions that they are expected to perform at their skill level. I understand the value of rewards in providing positive reaffirmation to kids. In fact everyone needs it. It builds confidence and faith in oneself and I am all for it. But at what point do we stop and let an action be self-fulfilling? Independent of any reward. To be honest, my language with kids is so intertwined with reward that I may find it next to impossible to interact otherwise. I am not against rewards by any means. I just question my tendency to need rewards for every single thing I ever do.     

Just the other day, Siddharth was on a flight sitting in one of the front most seats. An air hostess came and asked if he would be willing to take a seat at the back of the plane because a grandma wants to sit close to her grand-child. Siddharth did not even think for half a second before jumping up from his seat and saying “of course’. What shocked him was that the air-hostess came up to Siddharth and gave him a gift voucher for showing kind behavior on the flight. While Siddharth isn’t one to deny an airline gift voucher, he was slightly upset to see that an act as basic as letting a kid sit with her\his grandma was considered reward worthy, which means, it was not considered the most natural thing to do. This is something he would expect anyone to do without giving it a second thought. I know that Siddharth has a certain utopian concept of how people should be – they should be who they are, without being apologetic, not changing yourself to suit other’s expectations, not changing your behavior (either to good or bad) because someone says\thinks a certain way about you. But in this particular instance, I am with him. Certain causes are too basic to be rewarded.

I will try really, very, hard to not say ‘good job’ to kids every time they do something nice. It is going to take all of me to do something like this. It does not come to me naturally. In fact it is hard for me to stop those words from coming out of my mouth. But that’s the plan. To let kids get motivated intrinsically rather than by my ‘good job’ every time they take a step. I want to let them take a few steps when they know they will not be rewarded. When they know no one is watching. I am really hoping they will get to that point someday. I am also hoping that I am just being paranoid in thinking that my kids are overly dependent on these explicitly stated rewards. Except, I think they are.

Again, I have nothing against rewards. I think rewards are great. Clearly. I reward all the time. The point is, these rewards sometimes take away from the core of the act. And I feel that absence of rewards is sometimes necessary to maintain the integrity of the action. If it makes any sense. But I want to be able to draw a line between positive reaffirmation versus constant praise of every single thing.

So here is to me trying. As many takes as it takes. As long as it takes.

My Positivity

A beautiful weekend spent sleeping, beaching, eating, sort-of-biking with friends! Nothing replaces beauty that a good company brings!

All day, every day

Most of our everyday routine is quite uneventful and somewhat planned, which, for a family with two toddlers is a good news. We wake up every morning, give juice to kids, get them ready, get us ready, play a little depending on how much time we have, eat something, and, head to work\day care. Siddharth is the one who drops and picks up kids to and from the day care. The kids are used it. Even the day care teachers are used to it. I drop off and pick up kids whenever Siddharth is traveling. That’s when the entire day care knows that Siddharth is traveling. And then there are some days when both Siddharth and I go to drop off kids. Just because. Those are the days we are not rushing and enjoy every minute of drop-off and\or pick-up.

Dropping Sammy to day care is a very interesting experience. She wants to run to her friends and teachers as soon as we set foot in the area. She sometimes doesn’t even look back to see if we are still there. She goes straight from throwing tantrums to greeting all her friends and teachers like hasn’t seen them in a thousand years. Picking her up is also an interesting story because as soon as she sees me come to pick her up, she runs to her friends and starts pretending that the two of them have been playing together for a while and we are disturbing them. She then slowly warms up to the idea of going home and gives us a hug, starts saying bye to her friends, insists that her friends hug us, and so on.

Dropping Rehan to day care is a whole different ball game. This kid does not want us to leave him. Ever. He comes running to Siddharth every evening he picks the kids up. His face beams with inner joy, which is probably a little deceptive because his face almost always beams with inner joy. These kids I tell you. They have the knack of being so blissful and so unaware all the time. Anyway. The point is, his mischievous face lights up even more when he sees either of us. This morning as we were dropping Rehan to day care he made a sad pout showing a clear disagreement with the sequence of events, which included us playing with him in the day care for 5-10 minutes and then leaving him with his teachers. But instead of wailing and crying, which is what he normally does, he had that sad face of understanding. I know but I don’t like…but I will live with it…because I know I have to. That face. You know. And it hurt. It hurt me to see him grow up like that and be all understanding.

Can the world please stop so my kids won’t grow up this fast? I don’t think I am ready yet. I had a long, busy, crazy day at work today and the only thing that kept me going was the crazy evening that would be waiting for me at home. The crazy evening with both the kids throwing tantrums at dinner time and us struggling to keep up with them. Oddly enough, it motivates me. And I miss it when I can’t witness our evening dinner time madness. My day feels incomplete without it. In the middle of this utter chaos, sometimes, just sometimes, Siddharth and I find each other sitting back and chuckling at the drama. It’s like watching our own movie from a distance, while still being a part of that movie.

Here is to many more movies. Our never ending movie. Our everyday movie. Our day in a movie. These really are the best days of our lives!

My Positivity

A realization that I am so lucky to be married to my best friend. Completely random realization. For no rhyme or reason. It happens.

Find your voice

I sometimes have a recurring theme in my dream. That I am being attacked or potentially harmed by someone. It could be something extra-terrestrial, it could be someone scary, it could be someone I know in my real-life. Or it could just be an adverse situation. In my dream I know exactly what to do to get out of that adverse situation. I know I have to scream, yell, shout, hit back. Maybe run. But at that point in time in my dream – I freeze. I am screaming but no voice comes out of my mouth. I am shouting but no one can hear me. I try to run but my feet don’t move. Typically at such a point, I wake up from my dream. My dreams rarely go past this point.

When I wake up from such a dream, the first thing I do is say something. One word. Two words. A sentence. I do this to make sure I still have my voice. I still have my strength. I get angry at myself for not shouting and yelling in my dream. I get angry at myself for not finding my voice when I most need it, in my dream. I get angry because I knew I had it in me to save myself from that alien if only I could find my voice.

This dream is of fresh in my mind right now because I had it last night. After waking up, I spiral into the whole thought of not being able to find my voice when I need it. There are certain situations when someone says something hurtful to me. But I don’t react. More often than not I find it extremely annoying afterward when I am recapping the scenario in my head. I get angry because I didn’t react when I could have. Most of the times I don’t react because I feel like that’s the right thing to do. The problem with doing the “right thing to do” is that it does not do justice to our thoughts and us. In an attempt to do the right thing, I forget to voice my opinion and tell someone what I actually want to say. My point is, it is not always important to do the right thing. It is ok to sometimes do the wrong thing. Because it is more important to find your voice and make it heard. It may sometimes interfere with what is right, but it will surely appeal more to my body and mind.

When have we ever seen kids not voice their opinion when they are in public? Kids cry when they want to cry. They scream when they want to scream. They shout when they want to shout. They make sure they are heard when they want to be heard. I understand that most people find this trait of kids rather annoying. But here is the flip side. That small tiny tot has the courage and the fearlessness to find her/his voice and make it heard. At whatever cost it might be. While most of the times I am busy thinking of the life lessons that I will pass on to my kids, these are the times when I stand back and pause to admire the miracle and life-lesson kids are and what they have to teach me. At some point in their lives, these kids will learn to hold back and restrain and keep quiet – and a lot of those traits are probably inculcated by us parents in an attempt to make our kids civil. But why does it feel a little wrong? Why does it feel like we do this for everyone else’s and our own convenience and not really for our kids?

The thing about finding your voice and not being silent is that it teaches us to get outside our comfort zone. It teaches us to stand up for ourselves. It makes us more vulnerable but that much more rich with the knowledge of our own capabilities and what we can achieve. It makes us heard. It makes us stand up in the most adverse of the situations so we can emerge as winners. Or losers. But that is not the point. It makes and shows us who we really are. So never lose that voice in your heart. Don’t let circumstances or people or adversity deter you from reaching for your voice. My hope is that if I keep looking for it, I will surely find it. One of these days I will find it in my dreams too!

Hopefully these kids will always find their voice when they need it

My Positivity

The light in my life came from a festival we celebrate in India at this time of the year. It is called Rakhi. It is a celebration of the brother-sister relationship. Sister ties a thread on her brother's wrist and the brother in turn resolves to protect his sister. While this is the traditional meaning behind the festival, I have a slightly more open interpretation of this festival, which includes, sisters standing up their brothers and protecting their brothers - even when no one is watching. Brothers doing the same for their sisters. In fact, especially when no one is watching. The beauty of this relationship is not what happens on face value - because there are always fights on face value. In fact, I would say fights is a sign of a healthy relationship. Lack of fights would mean you venting your anger with your siblings somewhere else. The beauty of this relationship is what happens when the other sibling is not around. It is standing up for them, loving them and protecting them when no one is watching. But surely, fight away to glory when you are in front of each other. Because that's how siblings roll.


 

If I could…

If I could learn one thing from babies…what will it be?

It will be their ability to be in the moment. Have you ever seen kids play? Or eat? Or read? Or pretty much do anything? It is a life lesson happening in front of your own eyes. They are so focused on that one activity in that one moment that it is mind boggling. Admittedly their attention span is low and they tend to switch activities quite often. But while they are working on one task, there is nothing else on their mind.

When Rehan plays with his blocks – I am convinced that there is nothing else on this planet earth he'd rather do. Obviously it lasts about five minutes and then he switches to another activity. But I envy him for the five minutes that he invests in doing that activity. I am pretty sure he is not thinking about what happened at day care that day, who snatched his toy, who let him ride a tricycle, or who did he snatch the ball from.

When Sammy plays with her school bus or when she reads her books – there is nothing else she’d rather do. She seems content, happy. Well, until she is not. At which point she switches to another activity. But the point is, while she is doing one specific thing, she is thinking about that one thing only.

I wonder at what age kids lose the ability to be so singularly focused. But how I wish I could steal their ability to not think about a hundred other things when I do something.

Although now that I think a little more about it – I realize that Siddharth is actually quite similar to Sammy and Rehan in his focus and attention. When he is eating or writing or playing xbox or watching TV or talking – that is the only thing that is on his mind. He doesn’t think of the past or the future. I have very rarely seen an adult so focused on and be in the moment for what they are doing at any given time.

I cannot get that “be in the moment” attitude to save my life. I could be typing a mail, watching a video, talking to someone, in a theater – and be all over the place in my head. From our morning routine to traffic on the way to work to some specific conversation to something that’s been bothering me – I could be processing any of these things while doing whatever I am doing. But that is the main reason why I am a multi-tasker.

So, I guess it is sort of a double edge sword.

All said and done, there is so much to learn from these little people. If nothing, then I would lke to learn to be in the moment for my own peace of my mind. I definitely believe that there is a certain amount of awesomeness in simplifying things. Simplifying life. And one of the ways for me to accomplish that would be to be in the moment. So so so hard. At least for me. I have attempted to do this so many times and I focus so hard on being in the moment that I kind of lose the moment. I guess I just need more practice. Or I just need to find the child in me. The latter might be much harder. Being the mere mortal human that I am, I have lost touch with that inner child in me. I am so surrounded by the world and what’s current and what’s relevant that it makes me feel like I am too far away from the inner child. But at least I have the willingness to learn from other children’s inner-child :).

I will take that.




Kids busy doing what they do best...being in the moment of their goofiness!

My positivity

A reminder to self about being healthy and eating healthy. We are taking baby steps toward it. We are discussing it more among us and with the family. That first step and the earnestness in the intent is monumental for me.
 

Eyes

A little over 10 years ago, when I was a student in Arizona, I attended an Art of Living workshop. At that time I didn’t think I got much out of it. At this time I don’t remember most of it so I am not sure what I really got out of it. but there is exactly one thing I remember. One of the exercises required us to pair up with another person and switch partners every so often, sort of like speed dating. We were supposed to sit facing each other and hold hands and look into the other person’s eyes. I forget what the point of this exercise was. It was kind of awkward to begin with. Sitting in front of a stranger, or worse yet a non-stranger, holding their hands and looking into their eyes is not the most natural situation. But this is pretty much the only thing I remember because I learnt a very important lesson that day. After we were told what the exercise was and before we started this exercise I was screaming in my head “Gosh…please don’t pair me with that guy…anyone but that one.” Honestly, I don’t know why I felt that way. I guess I just assumed I won’t enjoy the exercise with this particular person. I know that sounds totally mean. I it think it is kind of mean. Hopefully I have matured since then. Anyway. About 15 seconds into the exercise I decided to focus on doing what was being asked of us and focus on that person’s eyes. And all I could see was a very very pure innocent soul. I know that sounds overly preachy, but that is absolutely true. I then switched partners at least a few more times and experienced the exact same thing with everyone. No matter who it was, stranger, acquaintance, make, female, person I liked, person I thought I didn’t like, anyone – looking into their eyes and focusing on nothing else for about a minute completely changed my outlook on people. It gave me a new perspective to look at people.

Try this next time. It seriously works. 99% of the times.

The point is, I truly think eyes are gateway into people’s soul. It is the most honest organ in our body. Eyes can say what our actions and words cannot. Everyone has a story and your eyes tell yours.

 My Positivity

 

It was Siddharth's birthday on July 26, Saturday. It was such a wonderful weekend that involved friends, sleep-over, Paranormal Activity IV (yes, we are into that), cake, park, fabulous brunch, date night (thanks to kids' day care for hosting Parent's Survival Night), movie, waterfront, beach, sand, water. Life is good. Really really good.

Good times

Last two weeks have been super awesome two weeks in our house hold. Last few days kind of feel like a dream that I wish never ended. It happens when you are surrounded by people who love so so so very dearly. My sister visited me in Seattle and was joined by her husband shortly after. While I missed my nieces a lot, I was beyond ecstatic to have my sister with me! We did what sisters do together – we shopped, we ate, we hiked, we fought, we argued, we laughed, we roamed around aimlessly.

We then spent the last two weeks at my brother’s place in California. Siddharth loves vacations in which there is absolutely zero agenda. I personally need agenda on vacations. But that is more practical when it is just the two of us. Even then I have learnt to let go of my pro-agenda attitude lately, because that’s what having two babies can do to you. No agenda ever makes sense. You make agenda, kids break agenda. A simple task of leaving the house to go out to restaurant seems like a goliathic task that scares me away from a 100 feet radius. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is that I am beginning to like no agenda vacations and it makes sense when there are more than two adults making decisions.

So my dream vacation commenced when the trouble makers (my brother & his much better half, my sister and her dear hubs, and us) got together under one roof. We did everything that we would want to do on a vacation – eat, drink, play, relax, and more relax. What made it truly beautiful was taking one day at a time and deciding what to do depending on what we felt like on that day.

Ooh, and btw – kids enjoyed this vacation because they got so much time with Happy Mama and Masi (my sister), of walking in the parks, and of having aimless fun! And much to everyone’s surprise, my angelic daughter is not so angelic anymore. She pushes Rehan all the time. Now Rehan run in opposite direction the minute he sees Sammy approaching him. So I keep telling Sammy to not push because it gives Oouuii. But once Rehan has been pushed enough number of times, he bites. Eeks. While I try my level best to not interfere when the kids are fighting so they can resolve their own differences, I have to discourage the behavior of pushing and biting. Anyway, moral of the story is, my kids are growing up very fast. They are not in the anything-everything-goes-in-the-name-of-cute stage anymore. They are growing up!

Oh, well.

It was the kind of vacation my system badly needed. It involved barbecue, corn, sun, water, rain, hail, conversations, music, sitting on the beach, jet-skiing, kayaking, perfect weather, perfect breeze, being in water, just enough booze, good food and family. It was like heaven on earth. The best part was I cracked the code of my fear when it comes to jet-skiing. So here is the thing. I have always preferred sitting behind on a jetski because I have always been so scared of driving it. So this time, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to drive the jetski. I realized I was in control of how fast/slow I wanted to go and exactly when to speed up versus slow down. It was so much easier and so much more fun. I can’t wait for my next jetski experience now!

I am having withdrawal symptoms now and am missing being close to my family. So I will spend this time looking at some 1000+ pictures we took over the last two weeks.
 

Nine

What!?! How?! When? Really? It is no 25 but 9 is still a big number, you know. Just saying.

I should say upfront – I have no marriage advice for people out there. I rarely give advice. Well, maybe my family will disagree. Because they get a lot of unsolicited advice from me. But for the most part, I am rarely the one giving advice.

But I observe plenty. Different things are important for different people in a marriage – love, respect, commonality, strength, patience, loyalty, understanding, friendship, faith, confidence, independence, interdependence, humor, trust, freshness and many more such attributes. People value each of these traits differently and in different proportions. All these attributes make an appearance in what is important for us in our marriage too. But both of us don’t bring every single thing to the table. We kind of divide and conquer it all.

For example, patience has never been my forte. It never was, and how so ever much I try to inculcate it, it never will be. And that’s where Siddharth comes to my rescue because he has the patience of an elephant...if there is any such thing. I just assumed elephants must have plenty of patience. The slightest thing has the absolute potentially of irking me to the point of no return. For the most part, Siddharth is pretty unperturbed by things around him. He is a high energy and a very animated person – so it is easy to mistake that energy for impatience. But it takes a lot for him to lose his patience. No situation or person or behavior bothers him enough to act on an impulse or in an erratic way. In fact he has so much patience that it annoys me sometimes. I could be extremely mad and angry and upset but Siddharth manages to respond with so much calm and patience that I feel like he doesn’t get it. It’s almost like I expect him to be just as aggravated as I am. But he doesn’t get that way. His weakest point probably is his inability to withstand absolutely any sort of mess or dirt. Very literally. And that’s one area in which I have plenty of patience. So we zig-zag in our characteristics enough to balance each other and it all works out in the end.

Honestly, I can’t believe it’s been 9 years of marriage for us. Our wedding day feels like just yesterday. I like to believe that we have seen the worst of the times and the best are yet to come. But the underlying aspect that keeps us going through all our ups and downs is our friendship. We were best friends long before there was any chance of us getting together. Siddharth could answer a question I hadn’t asked yet and he could finish my unfinished sentences. It was kind of scary. But we knew each other very well. And somehow over all these years this is the one aspect of our marriage that requires least work. There are lots of other aspects that require a lot of work. But not the ‘friendship’ part. It comes very naturally to us. We don’t have to act consciously on it. We don’t have to remind ourselves or each other of it. It just happens. It stays. It grows. It brings us closer. It keeps the humor alive. And it makes us stronger. Go post-marital-friendship, I say!

It is just a bonus that my 9 years have this outcome so far :).



 

Sand, Sun, Water

I am normally not the one to exaggerate and overemphasize of the value of sun. But let’s face it – it does deserve a mention every now and then. Especially if you live in the Northwest. So here is my shout out to sun. And sand, And water. Our weekend involved a road trip to Long Beach, Wa. A few hours south of us. A car ride with two toddlers comes with its own ups and downs. It is all good as long as they are fed, have not pooped or peed in their diapers, are not sleepy or tired, are not bored out of their minds, are not too agitated, and on and on and on. You get the point. So we had our fair share of loud yelling and incessant crying and angry shouting and tireless singing.

But all was forgotten as soon as we reached the cutest little cottage I had ever seen. What made it even better was that I could see the sign “World’s Longest Beach” from that cottage. I am not sure if it is the world’s longest beach and honestly I don’t know if I quite care. But most of what I did care about was getting on that beach as soon as possible.

It was beautiful. The beach. The sun. The sand. The water. The seagulls. The waves. The rays. The lack of crowd. It was perfect. The fact that we could dip our feet in the ocean water and that the water was perfect temperature was just added bonus.

 

What took the cake was seeing how much Samaira loved to play with the sand. How much she loved the water. She was not scared of dipping her feet in the water and wanted to do more of it. She wanted to chase the seagulls until they scared her. She wanted to chase that dog running on the beach until it got too close to her. How much Rehan loved the wind blowing in his face. How he was not fazed by the wind causing him to be all snorty and sniffly. How he had a big bright smile on his face every time he saw us enjoying the beach. And how Sammy kept saying “I like beach.” Kind of awesome, you know.

So even if the road to sand, sun and water was paved with cranky toddlers, the end result of them loving the beach makes it all worth it! Here is to many more such trips!

Daddy, Go.

Some days are just are meant to last forever and ever in our minds. It could be something beautiful, or happy, or ugly, or sad, or massive, or teeny-little-tiny. It could be something that lasted a moment, or a few seconds, or a few minutes or more. The impact of an action, a thing, any circumstance, or a person is not always proportional to the intent or even what goes into making it happen. Obviously, this weird psychotic analysis of a simple phenomenon is the result of my not-so-simple mind working overtime, trying to find the meaning and reason behind every little detail of the day and the week and the month and the year.

The point is, something like this happened yesterday. A memory forever etched in my brain. I didn’t know what to feel about it. I was happy. But then I was sad. And then I was kind of depressed and sulking. Here is what happened. Night time routine is one of my favorite things as a parent…reading books, singing songs, singing rhymes, telling stories and watch my kids fall asleep. There is something very satisfying about that experience. Off late we started sleep training Samaira (and yes, she is all of/mere 2.5, depending on your parenting philosophy) to help me out when Siddharth is traveling for work. She isn’t fond of us leaving her room while she is still awake but she is kind of getting the hang of it. Siddharth is the one who typically puts her to bed. Sammy knows that when he is done reading all the books and singing all the songs and telling all the stories, it will be time for her Daddy to leave the room and she needs to close her eyes and go to sleep. She gets the drill. When Siddhu kisses her good night is the time when she will typically put her arms around him and say “no….hug”…translated as “don’t go yet…give me a hug.” I definitely belong to the new-age-parents category who find every little thing heart-melting and micro-analyze every little thing we/our kids do or feel or don’t do or don’t feel. So when I found out that she puts her arm around Siddharth every night in an attempt to stop him from leaving the room…my heart kind of broke a little. All sorts of maybes popped into my head and I started questioning what we were doing. Maybe we shouldn’t sleep train her. Maybe we should try this a few months down the line. But then we continued trying to get her to sleep on her own.

Yesterday when Siddharth kissed her good night and was about to leave the room…Sammy said “Daddy go. Teddy hug.” She didn’t cry at all when Siddharth left. She went to sleep right away. My first reaction when Siddhu told this to me was “yayyy….she is a completely independent sleeper now!” My immediate next reaction was “Oh no. She is so grown up now. She understands so much now. Did we do the right thing? Was it too soon? Should we have slept with her a little bit more? What was the hurry? There will come a dreadful-teenage-time when she wouldn’t want us in her room anyway. Why did we rush? She is so small. My little girl is so mature!” My internal rant went on and on. And then she woke up happy & chatty. Basically her usual self. That surely made me feel better.

There are so many times I am conflicted on the right thing to do as a parent. My heart tells me one thing. My head tells me another thing. Knowing that my kiddos can survive anything is probably the only thing that saves my day.

All said and done. Every sudden reminder that my kids are growing up hits me a little hard. That “Daddy, Go” is going to ring in my head for a very very long time!

Need a tight hug from my kiddo...who is independently sleeping in her room...

 

Let it go

I mean, why not? Right? Frozen has been a rage ever since it released and even though we haven’t seen the movie yet, it didn’t stop me from listening to the song over and over and over and yet over again. Sammy, Rehan and I have seen the video at least 150 times and heard the song on repeat at least 200 times.

Anyhow.

The point is that these three words are way more powerful than any of us can fathom. As I keep hearing these words over and over again, I can’t help but take them a level deeper. To really understand what they are trying to communicate. What these words really communicate is that letting it go is a synonym for setting oneself free. Of the past. Of things that may have gone wrong. Of things that didn’t really go your way. Letting go has nothing to do with forgiving someone or something else. What someone did or didn’t do is absolutely insignificant. The whole point of letting go is to liberate your own self. People (must) forgive other people and circumstances for their own peace of mind. People let go for their own self. The understanding of this deeper meaning of letting it go is powerful.

Can you imagine a head & heart devoid of any negativity, any regret, any grudges? Honestly, I can’t. But it sounds pretty darn remarkable.

To top it all, it looks like Samaira and Rehan have drawn a lot of inspiration from this song. Samaira wants to listen to it every day, at least once. Especially before going to sleep. My limited singing abilities make ‘Let it go’ sound like ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.’ But that’s neither here nor there. The point is that both my kids drop whatever it is that they are doing and give a 100% of their attention to this song when it starts playing. Rehan is typically smiling when listening to this song. And Sammy has a somewhat intense expression on her face to kind of match with the tempo of the song, you know.

Who knew Elsa was so full of wisdom :)! Here is to letting go. To freedom. To liberation. To the ultimate wrinkle-free happiness.

This.

How many reminders do we need to value, live and love life as is? In the best of its glory. With the worst of its fears. Inside this curvy loop of happy-anxious-angry-sad-wishful-envious-mad-satisfied. Life as is.

Here are some things that remind me to value, live and love life.

My family sleeping peacefully every single night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to make sure Sammy, Rehan and Siddhu are sleeping well.

Food on the table. Most of the times I take it for granted. But sometimes when I sit back, in that tiny fraction of second when all four of us are eating and neither of my kids are yelling or screaming or crying or throwing their food – for that tiny fraction of second, I check-out and remember to be thankful.

To be surrounded by the people I love. This. I am thankful for every single day. Every day. It is important for me. Siddharth. Samaira. Rehan. My family. My friends. Super-duper important.

Health. I value health even more when I am sick, or when someone I love or know is sick. I admire people who value their health and do something about it on a daily basis. I hope to get inspired by these people.

Park time. So thank for the sun that lets us be.

A vacation that doesn’t feel like a vacation. If you spend more time napping and eating than doing touristy stuff, does it still count as vacation? I think so. I kind of dig it.

A non-vacation that feels like a vacation. You know. A typical day. Morning routine. Work. Back. A little early. Relax. Chill. Do nothing. Go out for a walk. Push off all worries till the next day. I wish I could do this more.

A little circus that my family is. Honestly, it is not always possible to enjoy this circus, especially when it happens in front of an audience to witness. That’s when I feel the need to justify our choices and our approach. The circus when Samaira decides to sit in the middle of the road because she wants to be held. Or when Rehan starts yelling at the top of his voice because he saw his mumma! And do not even get me started on the dinner time drama. Should I let them eat their favorite snack instead? Should I force the first bite on them (absolutely positively detest this approach)? Should I do short order cooking? Should I make the same thing 5 times a week so I know they will eat something? Should I run after them while they are running around the house to feed them (I quite detest this approach as well)? Or should I let them go hungry until they learn to eat what is on the table? This circus is hard to enjoy when it is unfolding. But there is a part of me that is thankful for our perfect imperfections. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why. Sometimes it puzzles me why. But it reminds me of the normalcy of uncertainty and chaos. And I value that.

A birthday boy with his face smashed in the cake like we have never given him any food. While it sounds worrisome, I can’t help but laugh at the site. I treasure the laughter this brand new one year old brings to our lives.

A tiny toddler sister who loves her brother, a little too much for his own good right now. She runs toward him to give him a giant hug and pushes him over in the process. Then another circus ensues. Oh well!

Two strong headed, very stubborn toddlers running around in the house. While it makes some things very difficult today and will make most things extremely difficult for me once they grow up to be teenagers and possible rebels, I value this attitude.

Surrendering to what will and can be. I very strongly believe in committing a 100% to what you have to do and not worrying too much about what will become of it. Time and again I am reminded of how the only thing we can possibly have any control over is our own actions. And that too not always. So surrendering to the power of out-of-control dynamics is very liberating. It helps me enjoy life a little bit more.

All these things remind me to relish every little bit of life. I also realize the value of taking a step back to be a spectator of my own circus and laugh a little while at that. This is what helps me value, love and live.

This.

 

We, the parents

Our mind is a very funny organ. It plays tricks on us and molds and bends until the rest of our organs make peace with what is going on. Sometimes we convince ourselves of one thing and the next day of the exact opposite thing, with perfectly legitimate reasoning for either theory. On top of these typical mind games, parents have a mind of their own. Parents are fighters. People may or may not be born fighters, but as parents we all turn into fighters. We fight for our kids. We fight for us. We fight. It is something that our mind does at a very subconscious level. So much so that we do it with a rather natural flare and deem it to be the most natural and obvious behavior of our lives.

Normally, I am a realist. I see things as is. A little too much that way. I make conscious effort to not be in denial, mostly to prevent myself the heartbreak of coming back to reality by an external factor. I’d rather be brought to reality by my own self than something unexpected. So it was an atypical situation in our family when Siddharth was saying something, and I was in denial. For the last several months, Siddharth kept saying that Samaira’s apnea is getting worse. My instant and final reaction to his concern was absolute denial. I always dismissed him by saying that it isn’t apnea, it is congestion. That she is fine. I believed it too. Because I had convinced my mind and the rest of me that she didn’t have any issues. We finally did take her to a doctor and got her sleep study done. I was silently but surely and extremely nervous the day her results were going to arrive. I feared that the doctors would confirm her apnea and will recommend a surgery, which I absolutely did not want for Samaira. So I broke down as soon as the doctor confirmed my fear. In the doctor’s clinic. On our way out. In the parking lot. At work. Then back at home. I broke down multiple times and on multiple occasions. I hated that diagnosis. And over the next few days I did make peace with it and was ready for the surgery. I convinced myself that it will make life better for Sammy. That it is in her best interest. So it is the best thing to do. Then, Sammy spiked a fever two days before the surgery and that would have postponed her surgery. I broke down again thinking that her surgery won’t happen. Underneath all this, I couldn’t believe myself. It was almost unreal how I had gone from fearing her surgery to fearing her no-surgery within a week. My mind had totally convinced me of one way and then the other way. So darn crafty my mind is. Anyway, Sammy did recover from her illness and went through the surgery and was discharged the next day. The bottom line is, that Samaira did phenomenal. She was a trooper. She is acting like nothing happened and life is usual. We want to do what’s best for our kids. While we live in a non-ideal world, our definition of what is best for our kids also keeps changing.

Here is the thing I have realized over the past two or so years. We, as parents, do whatever it is that we have to do to make sure our babies are fine. So when parents fight for their kids’ well-being or survival, it is the most natural and pretty much the only thing parents can do. On somewhat of a side note, I do find it a little odd when people complement parents on being awesome & strong because they fight for their kid. I am normally the one to give benefit of doubt to people. I care more about the intent than about the impact. Normally. Not always. There are exceptions. But the point is that all parents are awesome & strong. Because we all go through the journey of fighting for our kids in our own little and big ways. It could mean fighting so the kids can keep up in school, or fighting with a bully at the park, or fighting with a stranger for an unjust comment, or fighting with the school system, or fighting with allergies, or fighting your child’s sadness, or fighting with an accident that injured your kid in big or small way, or fighting with a fever and cold and cough, or fighting with brain cancer, or fighting with so many other things that we have no control over. Really fighting with anything. We, the parents, fight all the time. We fight with various different things and people. We all fight for our kids. So we are all awesome, strong parents. Simple.

Here is another thing people fight for when they have a tiny tot absolutely and fully depending on them. Themselves. People fight for themselves. Or at least they should. If somebody asked me my biggest fear before I had Samaira, it was hands down losing people I love. What changed after I had my first baby? My biggest fear became losing people I love, including myself. I am somehow more aware of myself, my well-being, after being a mom. I want to lead a longer healthier life and lifestyle so I can be there to take care of my kids. I can’t imagine not being there for my babies when they need me. I fear losing myself.

So, when Heather Von St. James reached out to me regarding her story, I couldn’t help but realize the importance of our health. Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma shortly after giving birth to her first baby. Heather was given 15 months to live. She is the living proof that miracles happen. It has been a few years and she has lived to tell the tale. I knew nothing about mesothelioma so I started reading up her blog: http://www.mesothelioma.com/. Mesothelioma is caused due to asbestos exposure and I learnt how ridiculously and absolutely pervasive its usage it. It is something that a lot of us get exposed to every single day. My journey to learn more about this condition, its causes, and its consequences has just begun. But the mom gene in me is going to strive to be well. I know we don’t control a lot of it. But there has to be something that we can control, right? We don’t control the consequences. But we control our actions. It is never too late to learn. It is never too late to raise awareness.

It is a new gene, we, the parents acquire. To fight. So let us.

These are some people I fight for

 

My Baby, My Soul, My Whole

 

In the sounds of the whisper that you make at night
In the smile on your face that feels so right
In the gait of your crawl or your hurried walk
In the babbles of your sounds or just the way you talk
In the touch of your hand when you pretend to put cream
In the joy of your feet when you run to a stream
In the free spirit you bring to every moment
In the flare you bring to be a showman
In the innocence of your fights
In the simplicity of your delight
In the fire that lives in your voice
In the effortlessness of how you make a choice
In the honesty you bring to any relation
In the wonderment you show in any creation
In the willingness you show to forgive and move on
In the world you create where bygones are bygones

It is there that I want to live
It that what I want to learn
It is who I want to become

You, my sweet angel, my baby
You teach me every day with everything you do
You have changed my world, my view

You have given me a brand new soul
You have, in fact, made me whole.

Your Mom

Humble and Happy

Some weeks are testier than others. They demand more time. They demand more attention. They demand more commitment. They demand more sacrifice. They demand more compromise. They demand more trust. They demand more faith. If you can keep up though, there is a lingering feeling of joy and your heart does a little bit of a victory dance. But that is not all. I have realized that while the end of a testing period demands a victory dance, it is the tiny little moments of joy during this time that can be more satisfying than the end itself.

This past week was kind of sort of tricky for us. Siddharth was traveling for work. Rehan started to fall sick the day Siddhu left for work. And Sammy was in a full on happy mood…very typical. Most of my last week included not going to work, an unsuccessful attempt at keeping Rehan and Sammy away from each to minimize the exchange of germs, and spending a lot of time cuddling and hugging Rehan!

Here is what Rehan likes to do when he is not feeling well. He obviously likes to lay in bed. But here is the twist. He likes to giggle in spite of his sickness. He likes to roll on my tummy. He likes to fall back on his head. Although he very carefully plans his fall on to a pillow. He likes to communicate in his own “uhh…uhhh…..uhhhh” language. He likes to get up on his knees and throw himself on me. Of course it is up to me to dodge him so he doesn’t hurt himself. This was his journey to wellness. Go figure. So this is what I was doing for the two days that I didn’t go to work this past week. I am surely not complaining.

Now, as per our house rule book, it was Sammy’s turn to fall sick. What can I say? This is how we roll. I have to declare that Sammy is the most adorable when she is a little under the weather. She tends to give me hugs like I need those more than she does. She tends to pat my back like I need healing.  The fact is, I do need her hugs and healing touch more than she needs mine. So we cancelled any and all of our pre-made and un-made weekend plans and spent the entire time cuddling and relaxing and doing nothing.

Sammy did get sudden bursts of energy for a few hours every time Advil came to her rescue. Those were the pockets of the weekend that we spent playing. Any time I turned on my laptop this weekend, Sammy instructed me to ‘close it.´ So we stayed away from devices as much as possible.

Rehan spent most of his weekend destroying every single wire in the house by chewing on it. Alternately, he spent some time taking out all the toys from the shelves and throwing those in some deeply hidden and unknown places in our home. Sammy spent a part of her advil-energized time swaying to rhymes. Some of her time was also spent in her going round and round in circles to ring-a-ring o’ roses. Every so often she would come to me and say ‘hold hand…ring roses…come.’ So I joined her. Once. Twice. Thrice. After about 7 or 8 times of going in circles and falling on the ground and laughing out loud, I have to admit I started getting tired. So then it was Siddharth’s turn to go round and round.

We also spent some time this weekend staring out the window to admire the rain and the clouds and the uszh. Samaira looks out of the window and starts saying ‘and chair…..and trees…..and swing….and clouds….and house…” Yes, she starts her sentences with and. Rehan looks out of the window and in the process smashes his face into it and then he pretends like it doesn’t hurt because it was his idea after all. My favorite thing to do is to look outside the window and admire Mother Nature and then look inside the window to admire the pure sense on wonderment in my kiddos’ eyes. All four of us sat at the edge of the window staring outside, doing our favorite things. 

At some point during the weekend, Siddharth showed me this video that was SO much fun to watch. The title of the video is “This Man Proves You’re Never Too Old To Learn New Moves.” We were completely mesmerized and in awe of this man and his moves. Almost halfway into the video I wondered. I wondered that this man isn’t that old. I wondered that he is not a non-dancer to begin with. In fact he is a phenomenal dancer. I wondered that the lady to the right of the screen is also a phenomenal dancer. Oh, what a joy it is to watch these people dance. While Siddharth and I were busy watching this video – Samaira was staring at us wondering why we are so happy and smiley. Without fully understanding why, she started to smile and laugh with us. Every time she smiled though, she brought her face in front of mine so I could also see that she was smiling. And then she brought her face in front of Siddharth’s so he could see her smile and laugh. My funny girl.

What a fun week. What a great weekend.

The delight of cuddles, and cozies, and looking out of the window, and staring at the cloudy skies, and going in pointless circles, and laughing looking at each other, and lazing around, and doing pretty much nothing…..almost made up for the sick kids. Sickness is never fun. It makes me value health. It makes me value things I otherwise take for granted. It is humbling. But it is possible to steal micro-moments of happiness.

Be sure to do that.



Just before cold & cough took over