Keep your sense of humor

There is a lot I am at peace with. Life is good with Samaira, Siddharth and me – all together, in one place! Our family. Unaffected by external, unwanted noise.

Samaira started her day care a few days back. I love her primary care giver there, Miss N. She is an amazing 73 year old grandma like lady who absolutely adores Samaira. Someone at Samaira’s day care told me that as a parent you have to keep your sense of humor, and if you don’t then you will end up crying. So true. Not just for parents, but for anyone. For everyone. Yet so difficult to follow. At least, for a new parent. At least, all the time. We have some cough, congestion, fever and pneumonia lingering in our family off late, but the happiest person marching through all of it is Samaira. A few hours after we took her to the ER because she had 102+ temperature, Samaira was smiling and giggling, of course when she was not coughing. I don’t know what this girl is made up of but she can make some amazing things happen. The day after we took her to the ER, I was out and about trying to get the right meds for her, the ones that she is potentially not allergic to. Somehow that took me 4 hours and a lot of frustration and a whole lot of worry. But when I came home to my smiley-pumpkin Sammy, I couldn’t help but laugh with her when I saw her smile and giggle.

The funny thing about tough-times is that often times you can laugh it off when in future, but not so much when it is happening. In that sense, I sometimes wonder if future could come before present just so I know that I will be able to laugh it off then, and so that I don’t worry so much while I am going through it in present. Twisted logic, I know. But that’s the thing about wonderment – nothing is off limits. It is so hard for me to see Samaira cough and feel congested and go through sickness, but now that she is feeling better, all I can think of is how she was smiling through it all.

While speaking to my brother the other day, I realized how Samaira has the power to bring us to a happy place, no matter what we are surrounded with. I feel truly blessed to be born to my parents, and to have grown up with my brother and sister. They are everything I could have ever asked for in a family. They are loving, classy, trustworthy, people with the highest order of integrity I have ever seen, imperfect and absolutely unconditional. The reason I know love today the way I do is - my family. And it is pretty darn powerful. So, randomly, out of nowhere, I just want to thank Maa-Daddy, H and P (my brother and sister) – for being in my life. I am a better person because of you and I wouldn’t have it any other way, ever. That’s what families are for. We stick around. And whatever tough circumstances each of us go through, we remember and remind each other to laugh. Keep our sense of humor. It helps.

Our girl turned 7 month old on July 17th and we celebrated it with chocolate cake made of Hershey’s cocoa powder. Happy Birthday, baby! I love you.

It takes two to talk

No no, it really does take two to talk. That’s what Samaira has recently started to suggest to us. She is building her own vocabulary to communicate with us and that mostly includes sounds like aaaaa, eeeeee, unnnnnggg, gggggggg. While she is perfectly capable of enjoying her monologs, she prefers to talk to people who have eyes and nose and mouth. And that includes her talking puppy, giraffe, monkey, hanging butterfly, Daddy, Maa (yours truly), etc.

There are times when she is making those oh-so-fascinating sounds and I am not looking at her. Those are the times when I hear a shrill shriek that says “aauuuhhhhhhhh”, which means “look here, I am talking to you.” Cool, eh?

Sometimes when I run out of things to talk to her and I am completely rhymed-out (I wonder if that is normal), I start talking to her about things like Higgs Boson, Ranbir Kapoor’s latest movie, some high profile political court case in India, Mamata Banerjee, Obamacare, etc.

But what she enjoys far more than my talks is Siddharth’s outrageously funny expressions and his version of Michael Jackson’s songs, both the things that I am more or less incapable of doing. I guess we both do our own thing that kind of works!

That said, Samaira is very generous when it comes to showering us with her smiles so we feel good about whatever it is that we are trying to do. Her giggles (and sometimes just the thought of her giggles) manage to crack open my deepest darkest moods and invoke the loudest of the laughter no matter where or with who I am. I have smiled to myself several times in past, but I have never laughed to myself before this. I used to think Siddharth is weird because he can really laugh-out-loud to himself, sometimes even when he is asleep (his explanation is that he cracked a funny joke in his dream). But now I feel like I am the weird one in the relationship :). Oh well, so worth it.

Our last week was a little eventful when we found out about Samaira’s ASD, strabismus, sleep apnea and potential surgeries associated with all of it. But her conversations, smiles and giggles make me believe that she can venture through anything with an air of, ummm, I guess laughter! 

Peace - more often that not. Content - kind of, sometimes, little :).

Our new alarm clock

In fact our new alarm clock turned 6 months on Sunday. My friends showed a lot of insight when they got a special message written on the cake for my baby shower. As much as I knew how true it is, I could not fathom the gravity of its true-ness until a few months back!  

Our Sam works like a clock work. There are definitely times when she goes off of her schedule. But for the most part, her internal body clock is pretty tuned to waking up at 7am. And now that our alarm clock is 6 months old, she has been developing more such patterns.

I need something really really happy and calm today, so here it goes!

Love. Peace. Content. Smiles. Hope. Life. Love.

Hush, little baby

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.

Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull fall over,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover

And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,

Daddy’s gonna buy you a horse and cart

And if that horse and cart fall down,

You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Even before Samaira was born, this was a very special poem for Siddharth and me. Siddharth, famous for rarely/never showing his softer side to the rest of the world, teared up with this poem because it signifies the lengths to which he would go to make sure our baby is always happy. It signifies that “no matter what happens, I will never let you be unhappy and will fix any broken situation you might be in.”

When we learnt about Samaira’s diagnosis, Siddharth teared up at the thought that he won’t be able to fix this for her… and then we both cried. I say fix with mixed emotions and extreme caution, knowing very well that Samaira is really perfect the way she is and there is nothing to be fixed. She is the most amazing baby, for us at least. But I know that having 46 chromosomes instead of 47 would have made some things easier for her. But then again, I tell myself that 46 chromosomes wouldn’t have been a guarantee of a happy life anyway, so why do I have to fret about 47 chromosomes. I tell myself that at the end of the day, it isn’t the number of chromosomes that will determine the quality of life for Samaira. Her quality of life will be determined by her attitude, her gratitude, her honesty, her genuineness, the kind of person she is, the kind of opportunities she could get, the kind friends/relationships she will make, and the kind of parents we can be for her (I am hoping the good kind).

The most painful moments so far have been when she cries (either while getting her shots, or during her sleep study) and looks directly into our eyes and there is absolutely nothing we can do to ease her pain. There is an extreme sense of helplessness and a thought of “I know baby…it hurts….but it will be over before soon….I promise.” The happiest moments are when Samaira giggles and laughs and brings her hands together to cover her face while laughing, as if she can’t contain the joy of laughter within her and needs her hands as a cover to stop it from overflowing! I love my mornings with her.

I wish all sorts of nice things for Samaira. But most importantly I hope she is a nice human being. I hope she understands, with time and experiences, what some of the really important things in life are. I am slowly beginning to realize that the most important things in life have little to do with your income, your beauty, your status, your popularity, how others treat you, or even others’ perception of you. Having all of the above will not guarantee happiness. The most important things in life have more to do with truly being happy. I am talking a very special kind of happy here. You can have everything in the whole wide world, but if you are the kind of person who can run over someone else’s happiness & honor to get yours and prove your worth – then your happiness won’t last long. Maybe it will, but it won’t be worth it for sure. That’s not the kind of happiness I am talking about. I am talking about the kind of happiness you get when you can get happiness for yourself without hurting other people. I hope Samaira can be the second kind of happy, and can preserve the honor of others while honoring her. I personally find it very hard to respect people who are totally self-absorbed, so much so that they can’t see beyond themselves, and their own good, and their personal happiness. That is the reason why I think it is very important to honor oneself and others – all at the same time. It’s not as if I have never been a bad person – I have. But I regret being that person who hurt someone to get what I wanted, even if it was eons ago. And now I know it was so not worth it.

The interesting thing about important-things-in-life is that you only learn about it with experience. It is so hard to look beyond the flattery, the compliments, the bling and the luxury of the so-called-important-things-in-life, that it takes a lot to even begin to comprehend what this truly important stuff is all about. And unless you have experienced the worthlessness of the other stuff, you won’t be able to appreciate of the true worth of what is important. I am really not old enough to have experienced everything that is out there. But I am experienced enough to know what is really really important. I am not above it all. I still love my bling and shine and shopping and shoes and gossip and glitter, but with a very humbled soul, knowing now that beyond a point – it doesn’t matter.

I hope Samaira gets the strength of a 500-year-old-tree’s-trunk to stand up for herself & gets the heart of 500-blue-whales to honor & respect others’ feelings and heart while standing up for herself! And most importantly, I hope she smiles her way through this journey of life. I am far more of a realist than an idealist. I also think there is nothing wrong in being selfish. But this one - about taking care of oneself, albeit not a the cost of others - is an important one. So while we know we can’t fix everything for Samaira, we will be satisfied in knowing that she can handle it all, gracefully. 

Our PEPs group lead sent us this article about parenting and it is one of my favorite ones at that...resonates so so so so much with what I believe in.

I love these two people!

A little something to light up my day

Jacuzzi baths, sunglasses, fun hat, teddy bear conversations, and add to that Siddharth & Samaira - that's my recipe for a happy day. 

I am grateful for what life has given to me. I don't forget even for a second what it means to me. We are surrounded by friends and family who love us a lot. I have a husband who loves me way too much. He has a wife who understands him beyond his words and expressions, which may or may not always do justice to what he feels. I understand the effort and luck it takes, at everyone's end, to get to this level of understanding and comprehension between two people. And I applaud both of us for getting to that point (self applause could be my forte, sometimes :)). I understand that we could argue and fight every day without losing an ounce of love for each other. I understand that we will have good days and we will have bad days. But I understand that those are meant to be passing phases while we stand together, as a rock. I understand that it is not all happy all the time. But we have each others' back when it is not. I understand that others may or may not always understand us, but with effort and love, we understand each other. I truly, truly, truly understand that having Samaira with us makes all these things 1 trillion times more important. So here we are, with all of that and more...

All Things Out-of-Control

I am lucky to be working in an environment in which there are plenty of women in senior leadership position to look up to. I don’t look up to them to necessarily become them some day. That’s a non-goal. I look up to them because knowingly or unknowingly they inspire me - professionally and personally. I recently had a “post maternity-break catch up” conversation with one of these women I admire, KH, and her perspective felt…ummm…so refreshingly similar to my own. She talked about being a mom as a very humbling experience. That’s truly when you realize and appreciate the awesomeness of ‘things taking care of themselves’ because there is just so much that is not in your control. That wasn’t to say that you don’t do anything about anything and make this attitude your weakness. But that’s just to say that you really don’t control a lot of what happens around you – and how merely having that realization is a huge step for us. One moment you know exactly what you want in life and are sure about that one thing more than the air you breathe in. And the next moment your entire world could change. It kind of hurts when it happens to you for no real-doing of your own. But that’s exactly the point. Sometimes, it is ok to not fret about these out-of-control phenomena that have the power to impact your lives in the biggest way possible.

I keep on adding to the list of things one cannot control. You cannot control other people – their feelings, their actions, their reactions, their loyalty, their friendship – even though you may have given your heart, soul and life to them, and think that they will stand by you forever. What you can control, however, is your inner-self. And it is important to not lose yourself when dealing with such people. It is important to not lose faith in true-love, because it does exist somewhere around you, and it is just a matter of you running into it sooner or later. There are other experiences in life that could teach you the same. But motherhood took me to this realization faster than any other personal-experience. And when I see it happen again, I can spot it from far.

Being a mom has also made me aware of my heightened instinct to protect the people I love, the people that I care for – my family and my close friends. My oftentimes mild personality could turn into something totally intense & blunt if somebody hurts someone I love. That’s a big no-no in my world. I have seen myself turn into a fierce lioness to show that I care for my loved ones, more than myself. Only a handful of people fall into the category of “my loved ones” – but the ones that do know that I am there, and that I always will be there.

KH told me that when she looks at these 20 something year old women (not said in a negative way), she wants some of their “this is my plan, this is what I want, this is exactly how it will go” attitude. While she hasn’t given up on making plans, her life and its experiences have given her a perspective that allow her to look beyond the plans. And I admire that. While I have learnt the importance and realized the existence of all things out-of-control, I haven’t mastered the art of not fretting about all things out-of-control. I still fret. Hopefully I will learn to take a chill pill as I grow up.

Somebody got her ears pierced

Honestly, I wasn’t too sure how I felt about piercing my little one's ears at 5 months. Most people recommended even sooner (any time after 3 months). So I decided to give it a whirl. Yesterday, we took a trip to the most highly recommended Claire’s location for infant ear piercing in the Greater Seattle area. I was told to ask for the store manager to do this procedure (it felt like one for sure), and I did exactly that. Except, the store manager’s last day was on Friday as she is moving to the Netherlands! I kind of froze and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go ahead. I think I just wasn’t ready to make that decision either way. I asked Siddharth, mostly to get an affirmation for “it doesn’t matter at this point, let’s just go for it”. And that’s how he reacted.

So the assistant manager at the time helped us out, and she was wonderful. I think she read the look of shock and fear on my face and spent a good 15 minutes explaining everything to us, and answering all my silly and non-silly questions. Thanks, assistant manager, for being so understanding!

By the time the assistant manager was done explaining the procedure and answering my 1001 questions (most of which were repeats), Samaira was ready to eat. So it wasn’t the best time to keep her away from her food and poke holes in her ears. But she did good. She cried, but mostly before the actual ear piercing. As soon as she was done, I left Siddharth to finish the rest of the payment related formalities and got out of the store to soothe Samaira. All she needed was a little bouncy-bouncy motion and me singing “skidamarink dink dink skidamarink doo” and she was smiling again :).

I have to admit, she looks pretty darn hot in her brand new ear-studs!

Pure Unadulterated Moments

In the pre-Samaira era, I would have done anything for that extra 5 minute of sleep in the morning, and anything that would come in between me and my extra-5-minutes-of-sleep would be a temporary enemy. In my post-Samaira era, no matter what time I go to bed, I get up whenever Samaira gets up in the morning. I have no way to tell how long she has been awake for if she gets up before me. But if that happens, she starts breathing in a different way and she starts looking all around the room. She doesn’t typically cry or make loud noises to mark her grand-entry into the new day.

Those first 30-60 minutes of the day are my favorite moments every single day. That’s the time when she is happy, unaffected by anything that’s going on outside, active and smiling. While she is all these things the rest of the day as well, there is something else that is different about these few minutes. This is the time when I am fresh, mostly unaffected by thoughts outside of the four walls of our room, un-jaded by what’s to come, and mostly devoid of any fatigue or not-so-positive feelings that could sometimes creep into my day for various reasons. As it turns out, it is a relatively universal new-mom feeling. I was talking to some of the fellow moms from my PEPs group and they feel the same way about the morning time being an amazing time with their babies.

I really treasure and value these minutes like somebody values their pridest possession. These are my pure un-adulterated moments with Samaira that I keep very close to my heart.

Happy 5th Month Birthday, Sam!

Daddy made Ghirardelli dark chocolate cup cakes! So yummmm...I ate 2.5 pieces and could have eaten more!

The two loves of my life...are ready to eat each other. Somebody save them !

My little one is all grown up. 5 months just flew by. Before I know it - you will be 1 , then 5, then 18, then 25....Oh My God! I am kind of freaking out at the idea!

These are a few of my favorite things/people…

Unconditional love

Samaira

Orchids

Almond shaped eyes – I am getting there J

Trust

Siddharth

Moroccan Oil

White

The kind of nice person Siddharth is and how much he cares about people around him, but doesn’t show it one bit, and he doesn’t even care if others don’t know it for the rest of their lives

Leggings

My brother

Happiness

Samaira’s eyes

German chocolate cake or any other cake for that matter

Aloo ki sabzi (Potato vegetable)

Life

Siddharth’s friendship

Movies

My sister

Slight overcast

Parents

Fancy paper bags

Coffee

Yellow

My laptop

Haircuts at the right time

The way I say “PLEASE” (emphatically in a tone and intent that actually means exactly the opposite of please) – I agree it’s kind of weird how this is one of my favorite things

Dogs

Mosambi (Sweet lime)

Siddharth’s love for Samaira

Bourbon

Square photo frames with black border

P & A

Someone loving someone unconditionally

Ironman: Robert Downy Jr.

Honesty

Waves

Samaira’s smile

Sunflower

My extreme emotional intelligence, as my siblings point out

...and some more of unconditional love – it kinda rocks my world!

Strength, Optimism….from somewhere…from anywhere

When life starts throwing bananas at you - just be thankful that it’s not pancakes slathered in honey and maple syrup, because that will take a lot more strength and patience to clean up.

Meet and greet with the impossible to shock the hell out of it.  

When someone says something that makes you grab the nearest chair or close your ears and cry out loud – just smile. You never know what a smile could do.

When a gust of strong wind blows in your face - face it head on, spread your arms wide open, close your eyes shut, and just go with the flow. You will surprise the wind with how easily you could survive it!

I can’t always protect you from the heat of the situation, but I promise to try my best. If nothing, you will know that I am there for you.

At the end of the day, no matter how severe the storm is, just know that it will pass, but I will stay. Forever, with you. Because that’s what families do!

Love you babe – more than forever. And yes, there is such a thing as “forever” J. 

Happy Soul

Two of my most favorite people in this whole wide world are my two nieces, P & A. I could be going through the worst of times, and just a look at their faces can light up my face. I have always admired my sister for the kind of mom she is. She has two kids - with very different personalities, with very different attitudes, and with very different inclinations/aptitudes. But I have seen my sister love both her babies with the same amount of intensity without any bias. It probably is a mom thing, and all those moms with two or more kids could probably relate to it. I admire it in my sister anyway.

There are a few things I have learnt from my sister in the last few years of her being a mom. I have learnt to greet Samaira with a big, bright smile the very first thing in the morning. I noticed my sister do that every time she would wake her kids up in the morning. Ever since then I was determined to not-forget-to-do-the-same-thing. I used to look at my nieces and wonder how they were such happy souls. They are happy souls because that’s what my sister is. And that’s what she spreads. Happiness. Joy.

Not only that, but my sister is fun and funny too. She is always a good company (except when she decides to be a stubborn head. Which definitely happened more than 10 years ago, not sure about now), and that makes her a fun-mom.

Other than my mom, my sister is my role model mom. Love you sis!

Ironman vs. Nemo

Tonight was a date night for Siddharth and me and we spent it with some of our favorite people – Ironman, Hulk, Captain America, etc. You get the idea. The Avengers. Normally I am an Ironman fan, but Hulk kind of steals the show in this one.

For the majority of the movie, I kept wishing I could bring Samaira to this movie so we could enjoy it together. When will be the right time for me to bring her to such movies, I wonder. At two years? Or maybe at seven and half years. Either way, I wonder what her favorite character will be.

Instead of thinking of Dora & Nemo, I am thinking of Ironman & Hulk as a favorite comic book character for Samaira! What kind of a mom am I? Weird one, eh.

Well Samaira, you can think all you want for now, but we’ve got to share favorites when you grow up. I promise to like Nemo if you promise to like Ironman. 

 

From Me to You

There is so much to say and so much to share

All I need you to know is that I really do care

With every passing moment of our beautiful lives

You give me an infinite source of laughter and smiles

You are my bundle of awesomeness

You are my field of happiness

You lead me to joy

You lead me to love

I know you are a blessing for me from up above

Just a look at you is enough for me

To free me of absolutely any worry

While my heart keeps yearning

For more of you

Here’s to a lifetime of learning

For me and for you!

Taken by Shotbyheather